Just Like Romeo & Juliet
by Jelly Bean Jenna
Summary: Just like the star-crossed lovers, they can't seem to get it right. With coming home comes facing your mistakes and accepting reality. With staying behind comes facing reality harsher than you were prepared for. Especially when it was there all along. How far will Andy really go to protect Sam? And why has Sam given up on Andy?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello again!**

**Back with a new one, so hope you'll all enjoy!**

**This is a special request, so it's written for & dedicated to Stewart14. **

**Thanks for sharing your awesome idea & letting me write it!**

**Thanks as always to the amazing regulars & kelly2727, Christine Cashman who does my amazing covers & Rookie Blue South Africa on Facebook, as well as all the awesome #RBFG on twitter!**

**If you're a newbie- welcome to my world!**

**Just Like Romeo & Juliet. **

**Summery: Just like the star-crossed lovers, they can't seem to get it right. With coming home comes facing your mistakes and accepting reality. With staying behind comes facing reality harsher than you were prepared for. Especially when it was there all along. How far will Andy really go to protect Sam? And why has Sam given up on Andy? **

**Disclaimer; None of its mine, except the typos, spelling mistakes & the joy of reading your reviews, so don't forget to leave one! **

**Chapter 1- Light Up The Moon. **

_Why was life so complicated?_

A question she had asked herself a million times over the last year.

And she still wasn't any closer to finding an answer than she had been a month ago, or six or even ten months ago.

Nothing was ever easy either.

But life goes on, so she was ready to tackle it with a new outlook. One that was not really ready for life, but anyway.

"You okay?". He always did that, looked into her mind when she let herself get sidetracked.

"No". But this time her answer wasn't the usual faked "fine" that she loved to use.

"Swarek?".

Andy nodded, a sad smile touching her lips as she looked away from Nick and let herself drown in her beer.

"He's an ass".

Andy let out a light giggle at that, Nick had been saying that since the night she told him what Sam had said the day after they left for Dakota.

They had really grown close over the six months they spent together, their friendship evolving to something that was indescribable.

One shared look between them, and a thousand words were said, one smile and a hundred thank yous were uttered.

They didn't need to talk to say anything.

Nick let out a groan and let his head fall forwards, Andy looking to up see Gail turn away from looking at them.

"She still not talking to you?".

Nick shook his head. He'd been trying to talk to Gail since the day they came home- the only emotion she had shown him was the day when he came home and waited outside the locker room for her to come out.

When she did, and she saw him; he saw her eyes widen as she stepped closer, his weak 'Hey' being met with a punch in the face.

At least she aimed for his good eye, the other one wasn't up to get punched after he took a bad shot to it.

She had walked away after that, and had not said a single word to him since.

That was weeks ago, and he was no closer to being forgiven.

"She won't forgive me that easily. I walked away again, and this time I don't think I can fix it".

"It'll work out the way it should" Andy said bumping shoulders with Nick.

Since they came back, she had stopped believing in things going the way you wanted them too. They never did. They always went in the opposite direction.

She had let go of hope too, and those fairytale dreams she found herself clinging too.

But she had let go of the regrets, and a whole lot of guilt also.

"And this is how it's supposed to be?". Nick said letting his eyes waft over to Sam and Marlo who just arrived at the Penny.

"Yup".

"You are such a bad liar".

"I'm not lying Nick. Things are the way they're supposed to be, doesn't mean that they're the way I want them to be".

When they came back she was certain that Sam would be waiting for her. After everything he had said, and what he had done the day she left, she had really thought that he would be.

But- _He wasn't._

He had a new girlfriend that no-one seemed to know about, and things between them were on intensity levels that she couldn't even compare to levels that had been there between them.

But he looked happy.

Happier than he had when they were a little more.

Traci had denied any knowledge of Sam moving on, and Gail wasn't talking to her, so she didn't ask her anything about it. The guys were definitely not asked about it either.

"Doesn't mean I have to like things the way they are". Nick said glancing back in Gail's direction.

And it wasn't only intended for his situation.

Nick was grateful that Swarek got them out, he played a major role in getting Andy back when he couldn't himself. If Swarek hadn't made it in time, she wouldn't be sitting here with him now.

If Swarek had given up on her, or even him, really bad things would have happened.

Things that made it unbearable to live with.

But Swarek was still an idiot.

The same kind of idiot he was; the kind of idiot that let the best thing in his life go.

Swarek was a good guy, a good cop; but he wasn't boyfriend material. He wasn't the kind of guy that you find settling down, or the kind of guy that walked away from what he wanted; so Nick figured that he just didn't know what he wanted.

Andy was something worth having, even just as a friend. And if Swarek didn't want that, then there would be someone that would someday.

_Someone worth it, someone worth having her heart. _

He really didn't think that Swarek deserved it, but he was bias. He knew that Andy had contributed to their breakup, and that ultimately she had screwed up when she walked away after what Swarek said, but she had become his new best friend. He would always take her side, and back her up, no matter who it went against.

But back then, when she had walked away, she had needed too.

She needed time and space to get her head screwed on straight, and to find herself and decide what she wanted.

Unfortunately she decided that she wanted something that she couldn't have anymore when she came home.

Andy avoided looking in Sam and Marlo's direction by turning her chair a little more towards Nick so that she wouldn't have to face them.

Seeing them at work was one thing, seeing them when they weren't at work- that was just like having open heart surgery and having your heart left out of your chest when they stitched you back up.

Working with Sam was hard too. She hadn't been unable to avoid crossing paths with him so she had finally just accepted that this was how things were meant to be, over the course of the few shifts she had been back at work.

On her first shift back they nearly died, they got shot at and he found the moment incredibly amusing.

After that, things were less weird. But they were still awkward and tense.

It wasn't easy to keep everything objective, but she was able to fake it enough to make it look convincing.

"Want to leave?". Nick mumbled when her beer was just under the half way mark.

"Are you kidding? We haven't had any shots yet" Andy managed to say that convincingly.

She was done running, and done hiding; now she was accepting, healing and getting over it.

"You sure?". Nick asked wearing that face, the one that told her he didn't believe her.

"No, but I've got to start somewhere right".

That made Nick smile, she was always so positive, so optimistic, even when it was killing her inside.

Sam ordered their drinks at the bar, trying not to find Collins and Andy's table in the corner fascinating.

He had only seen Andy outside of work three times, all three times here at the Penny. With Collins.

He really wasn't looking for her, he just couldn't help but notice when she was around.

He hadn't quite forgiven her for walking away, and didn't think he ever would. He just didn't hold it against her.

But he had expected more.

Way more that what he got, more than what she had given him, when she left.

When he had been expecting something, he got nothing.

_So he gave up. _

Gave up on the thought that he could fix it, that they would fix it. He gave up on feeling anything other than disappointment and hurt.

He let go of the _'what if's' _and the_ 'maybes'_ and instead held on to the _'not going to happens' _and _'never going to be's'. _

After a while anyway.

In the beginning, it hadn't been that easy.

He had stood in his shoes, that day; watching his worst fear unfold before his eyes and the only two thoughts he had were- _I never said it back. And please let it be me, not her._

His biggest fear had been losing her, that was why he walked away after watching Jerry die.

But even ripping his own heart out didn't stop that from happening, she got into a situation where it was suddenly a reality he didn't think he could live with.

So, he said what he did; hoping that it would somehow change things, or save his soul from burning in hell. Because he had every intention of making her leave that building with him still holding onto the grenade. But ETF was on time for a change.

That was then, when he still held on to the ideals of happy ever afters existing, when they really didn't- before she left.

_This was now. _

Now he had Marlo, and things were good.

He had made detective after choosing to make changes in his life.

But life always had other ideas.

Having his case cross paths with her first UC was proof of that.

The same day he actually asked Marlo out.

_Like the universe didn't approve. _

He had made an arrest that just let a web of events spiral out of control, but it wasn't something he viewed as a coincidence. He didn't believe in coincidences.

If he hadn't made that arrest, she wouldn't be here with Collins now and he doubted that Collins would still be sane.

At least, in an indirect way, he gave her another chance at life. If he hadn't found her, fought so hard to get that moron from Guns and Gangs to understand that she wouldn't go off the wire ever, she would have been dead, or worse.

Marlo was looking at him when he forced the torrid thoughts out of his mind, a look on her face that told him she had said something, and he wasn't paying attention.

"Okay". He said, flashing the dimples.

Okay was a always a good answer for anything.

"Okay, see you later then". She gave him a soft peck on the lips and slid off her chair before walking out the door.

Her drink was finished and he hadn't even noticed that; his was barely even touched.

How did he manage to lose minutes of his life like that?

Oh right, he let his mind do what it shouldn't be doing.

Sam took a quick look in Andy's direction before ordering another whiskey and staying firmly sitting on his chair at the bar, after swallowing the first one in one, long sip.

Seeing her so carefree and unbidden was a blessing, because it was the real her- he could just tell. The way her laugh floated out as she tilted her head back just a little. The way her eyes danced with sheer pleasure, and her smile... Her smile was so big right now, it would light up the moon.

It made him feel the tiniest pang of jealousy, purely because it was the first time he had seen anyone other than himself put her in the happy place she was lost in right now.

It was hard to watch, hard to understand, but it was easy to enjoy seeing her lose herself in the moment.

Oliver slid onto the chair beside him, a cautious look on his face as he looked between his best friend and his former rookie.

"That bad huh?". At least Oliver was subtle starting the conversation.

But Sam kept staring into his glass once he knew that he was caught watching her.

"Brother, it's... That's a no go zone". Oliver said looking back at McNally as she whispered something in Collins' ear.

Sam felt his eyebrow raise of it's own accord, even though he was begging his face to remain stoic, it wasn't.

Sam knew that Oliver meant well, that he was looking out for him, but he was also well aware that he didn't know her like he did, he didn't understand.

"I know...". Not a great choice of words, because Oliver knew that Sam really didn't.

"I get it, she's everything you've ever wanted, but she's trouble".

Sam tried to hide his smirk behind his tongue as it ran over the inside of his teeth.

If there was one thing that he didn't need to know, it was how much trouble Andy really was.

It wasn't that Oliver saw her as trouble, just circumstances that Sam was in and those lingering looks he knew he was shooting her way were trouble.

"You're making bad decisions Sammy" Oliver said after studying Sam for a moment as he stared at Andy from across the room.

"Nope, that stopped the day she walked away" Sam managed as he averted his eyes and looked at Oliver.

Memories Sam didn't want to relive sprang to mind, his hand clutching his glass tightly as he took a really big sip.

He was remembering how she would gently tug the magazine out from under his nose when he was helping her do her crossword puzzles. How she would always watch him when he was in the same room as she was.

Those early mornings where she would snuggle closer and sigh in contentment in her sleep.

Forcing the images out of his mind, Sam turned to find Oliver smiling at him.

"It's been a while". Oliver stated.

"But it's a good look on you".

"What?".

Oliver had been trying to be there as a friend for Sam when Andy left, but Sam was too stubborn to let him be.

He had been there when Oliver was going through his divorce, but the favor wasn't accepted as graciously as it was given.

Sam spent more time taking early morning runs than he had before, or doing it after shift- just to avoid Oliver and those conversations when she left.

"Seeing her happy makes you happy, but not happy enough". Oliver answered his question with less suitability than he had been anticipating.

"That's over Ollie, she's too complicated and I'm too...".

He was not about to admit the rest of that sentence.

Oliver seemed to understand, and left it alone after that. Sam was struggling, even he could see that.

Sam had been battling to stay away from her since day one, and when they finally got it together Oliver saw him struggling more than ever to keep it together because for the first time he saw Sam really lost in another human being.

When Sam broke up with McNally he was just... lost, and it took a while for him to find himself, but he did. He just wasn't the same though.

The day that they found out that McNally and Collins were missing and off the wire, Oliver saw too many things on Sam's face not to know what really happened when he broke up with her. It wasn't easily hidden, raw emotion like Sam was feeling.

Sam never told him what really happened, how they broke up, all he had said was; _'It's over'. _

But that day, seeing Sam's reaction- it told Oliver that Sam ended it out of fear.

Oliver also saw the panic and fear in his eyes when he first heard that McNally was missing.

No matter how hard he had tried, he couldn't hide it.

In honesty Oliver had expected Sam to go after McNally when she took the UC, but when he didn't Oliver knew that Sam was really letting her go and stepping back so that she could make a clean break.

And now that she was back, he wondered how long it would take for Sam to see his mistakes.

The mistake he made to let McNally go, the mistake he made to start dating someone else just as McNally came home. The mistake of letting it stay like it was, because it was easier.

"I hear Luke has a lead on Jake". Andy suddenly blurted.

Jake Glass.

Murderer, drug smuggler/dealer/ scumbag.

He was the only one still missing from their UC, everyone else had been arrested and charged, but he managed to get away.

He was the one that had her tied up when backup arrived, and he somehow just managed to walk out the door and disappear.

And she had no idea how he managed that when the entire complex had been crawling with cops.

"Yeah?".

"Luke will find him Nick".

Nick had voiced his concerns about Andy staying at her condo alone when he found out that Jake was on the run. He was scared that he would find her and that she would get hurt.

The guy was ruthless, he had no morals and no decency. Nick didn't even think that he had a conscience or a soul.

"You're right, he's probably long gone anyway".

Andy looked up to find Oliver watching her, something he didn't normally do.

But he smiled and held up his beer, so she did the same.

"Ready to go?". Nick mumbled after another round.

Andy nodded, the day had been grueling and she was tired, so sleep would only do her good.

Sam had left a while ago, followed shortly after that by a sad looking Oliver.

Gail had disappeared ages ago, although Steve her brother was still at the bar.

They had invited Traci to join then, but she declined. She wanted a night at home with Leo.

The Penny was fairly empty tonight, something Andy enjoyed.

The quiet.

She hadn't had much quiet time since she had been back.

She spent time with her dad, and Traci and Leo. Time at the shrink's office and a lot of time sleeping. She waisted time too, thinking about what she could have done differently.

That's how she ended up letting go. She overthought things, and didn't like what she saw.

Andy nodded as Nick stood up.

She was ready to go home.

Ready for a good nights sleep, to get up tomorrow morning and do it all over again.

Fake that she was okay, pretend that everything was fine, and wear a smile that hid a million tears.

****** Thanks for reading. Let me know if you want more!**

**Update on Lie to me soon too, so see you all over there! **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	2. Unworthy

**Hello again, thanks for all the awesome reviews & follows, for this & Lie. You guys are amazing!**

**Thanks to the regulars, kelly2727 & Stewart14!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 2- Unworthy. **

Parade was never fun, especially when Frank added to her suffering by assigning her to assist the D's for the week.

She didn't mind, because she got time to hang out with Traci- something she missed now that Traci was firmly routed to the detectives rotation.

But then there was working with Sam. It wasn't quite as comfortable as it had always been, it was strained.

He still used his TO voice and pointed out something he saw her doing before she did it. Something she shouldn't be doing. Like he could read her mind and see her doing it before she actually did it.

It was frustrating.

It actually made her miss the days when they used to patrol together too.

The friendly banter and terrible jokes. The bad coffee and cold days spent outside taking statements. Even traffic duty on rainy days- she missed it all.

But she held back and refrained from any major blurting happening even though she had a million and one things to say or ask.

The next day was the same, Nick was lucky enough to be remanded to patrol, a smile passing between them as she left the parade room hot on Traci's heels.

"So, how are things?". Traci said as soon as they cleared the room.

"Okay". Andy mumbled knowing what Traci was talking about. What they always spoke about- How she was letting go of Sam.

Traci had freaked out when Andy told her that this was it, that it was really over and she was just biding her time to accept it and move on.

Traci had stared at her with wide eyes, a "I don't believe you" riddled with disbelief uttered out.

But Andy was holding her ground she was going to do this, no matter how hard it was.

"Things are good. Better than good". Andy said finding her strong voice. The one that oozed confidence and surety.

"Really?". Traci challenged, but Andy found her strength and forced a smile.

"Oookkaayyy". Traci said as they found themselves in her office.

Today they were tackling old case files in the hopes of finding a link between a case Sam remembered from his rookie days, and a case they had now. So he requested a fresh set of eyes, to help out with the files, and Frank thought that it was right up McNally's alley.

Again the world was torturing his inability to let go of something when he had too.

Marlo's face turned to stone during parade. He knew it was as a result of McNally being assigned to them, but it wasn't his decision- it was Frank's.

He had assured her that things between him and McNally were in the past, and they had; had enough time to start getting comfortable before McNally came back to work.

Andy/McNally. His mind just couldn't process what he should be calling her.

So McNally it was.

It couldn't be Andy. He wouldn't let it be.

He stopped in the doorway after lunch to find Andy alone at his desk, huddled over reams of loose papers and stacks of files.

She could so freely loose herself in any given moment- like now. Now she was so focused and so absorbed that she didn't even notice him in the doorway.

Crossing his arm's over his chest, Sam cleared his throat, Andy's head snapping up as she heard him.

She whipped her boots off the edge of his table like she stopped owning it, and straightened herself up.

Then the timid blush crept up her cheeks, the one that he had so loved seeing adorn her cheeks.

Loved, past tense. As in used to be, but not anymore.

"Sorry" Andy mumbled as she looked away. She had gotten pretty comfortable at his desk in his absence.

"Thought you might want something to eat". Sam said as he stepped into the room, unfolded his arm's and dangled a plastic bag off the end of his fingertip.

Andy was so embarrassed by getting caught making herself comfortable that she hadn't even noticed the smell of something delicious wafting into the room.

"Um...yeah, thanks?".

Sam edged closer to her hesitantly, his hand holding out the bag towards her as she stood up and reached out shyly.

Why was this so weird? Why did it feel so reminiscent of the hundreds of times they had done this before?

Because she didn't want it too.

They sat at Sam's table eating, Andy in his chair, and him across from her.

Sam ran out for Chinese and came back with her favorites, like it was an ordinary day. An ordinary lunch.

He even went so far as to get them each a fortune cookie, Andy's eyebrows furrowing as he held her's out to her.

She knew he was calling a truce, trying to find stable ground for them to stand on because they were working so closely together.

Andy shook her head, declining the fortune cookie. She wasn't superstitious or anything, it was just too... Familiar to go down that road.

Andy collected the empty containers off Sam's desk and threw them away. She mumbled a soft 'Thank you' staring vacantly ahead before ambling out of his office.

Sam watched her fumble for the empty containers, her face crinkled up and her lips pouting as her hands swept out firmly to collect the items strewn across his table.

He watched her from under his lashes, his head cautiously kept down a fraction so that she wouldn't see his face.

He had tried this whole exercise to see if they could do this, be friends. Be colleges.

But both of them just failed miserably.

When she came back half an hour later, she looked collected, calm. All traces of the Andy that left a few minutes ago gone.

She was composed, and her guard was back up.

She held out a bottle of water to him, another in her other hand that she had nearly emptied on the way back here.

This time she took the empty chair across from his, the one he had taken back once she left. She lifted the first file her eyes found and opened it.

Sam would find himself looking up occasionally. An...McNally's face hidden behind files as she carried on searching through them for any viable link.

By the end of shift he had given up watching her, just like he had given up on everything else about them.

Andy had a few files left to sift through when Sam said goodnight. He stood up and looked between her and the door as she peered up from behind a file clutched in front of her face.

"I um. need to be somewhere". He suddenly divulged, like he wanted her to know that he had somewhere other than here to be.

"You done?" He added after drawing a long breath.

Andy didn't answer, she just shook her head. Her fingers pointed to the last two files on the end of his desk. The last two that needed to be read through.

Sam nodded, shoved his hands into his pockets and left.

When Andy was done, she headed home.

Nick offered her dinner and a movie, but she didn't feel like it tonight. Traci and Dov wanted her to have drinks at the Penny, but she wanted the solitude of being home alone.

When she arrived home, she regretted the decision to sulk, and decided on a run.

The weather was warm, and it was only a little after eight when she left her condo.

Andy let her feet tread swiftly over pavements and across tarmac's. Her ponytail swung freely at the back of her head, her lungs filling with the untainted fresh air as she moved away from her home, covering block for block.

She loved to run, it made her feel free.

Freedom she had never felt any other way.

Andy hedged around the outskirts of the park a few blocks from her home, it wasn't all that safe to venture in alone after dark; so she kept too the lit up road that ran around it instead.

When she reached the traffic light at the far corner, Andy slowed down and stopped when it turned red.

Looking up and down the street, she couldn't help but notice Sam getting out of his truck across the street outside an apartment building.

Seriously? What were the chances of that?

Andy couldn't help but wonder why he was always dangled in front of her; like the forbidden fruit.

But that thought only lingered for a split second as Andy watched Marlo get out the passenger side of the truck, her arm's wrapped tightly around a bundle.

Andy felt the rest of the world slip away as she watched Marlo hand the bundle over to Sam as he reached her.

He scooped up the bundle and shifted it around.

Then Andy saw the mass of long dark hair tumble free as it shifted around in the light breeze, tiny arms wrapping around Sam's neck as the little girl got comfortable in Sam's arm's.

Andy tried to look away, but her gaze was glued to Sam as he ushered Marlo in through a door and followed carrying the child.

It suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe. It felt like her whole entire body was about to surrender to the heartbreaking reality that Sam hadn't just moved on, he'd moved on to something that she wasn't sure she'd ever be ready for.

Andy stepped forwards, needing to cross the street in order to return home; a loud dragged out car horn jostling her from smokey thoughts as she stepped off the pavement and right in front of an oncoming car.

"Sorry" she mumbled as the driver swerved out and passed her, her feet retreating backwards to put some space between her and the unseen vehicle.

Crossing the street, Andy made her way home. Her feet carrying her faster than they had on the way over here, her lungs burning more than she felt.

Never in a million years did she think that she would come home to a sight like that- Sam having a ready made family.

She wasn't prepared for that.

She wasn't prepared for any of it.

Sam, dating a cop from their division. Sam's new girlfriend having a daughter.

Arg, life was punishing her.

Sam stepped back the second he heard the car horn sound out in the silent street.

He'd taken Marlo and Megan out to dinner and was just dropping them off at home.

As his eyes lifted up over Megan's head, Sam saw the back of a ponytail swaying as it's bearer made light work of disappearing from sight.

But it couldn't be right?

Life wasn't that cruel.

Nick opened the door after the second round of pounding started.

He found Andy on the other side looking like she was falling apart.

He held the door open and she veered inside, her face splurged with so many things that he couldn't get a read on them.

She looked so... Torn.

Like she wanted to cry, and scream at the same time.

"She has a kid Nick". Andy blurted out just loud enough for him to hear over the click of the front door as it closed.

"Um, okay?". He had no idea who 'she' was.

"Marlo".

Wow, no wonder Andy was unraveling.

"You okay?".

It was really a stupid question to ask, she was far from okay. But if he didn't ask, she wouldn't talk.

Andy's mind had covered a hundred and ten miles on the run over to Nick's. She didn't want to be alone now, so she changed course and ended up here instead.

Andy came to where she felt like it would feel better.

Nick watched as Andy shook her head before telling him how she literally ran into Swarek and his ready made family.

Her heart was breaking as she spoke, even though she had sworn that when they came home it wasn't Swarek's to break anymore.

"I just don't get it. I mean if that was why he walked away, why couldn't he just say that he was ready for the things that were missing you know?

Why did he just walk away? So I wasn't ready for that, but does it mean so much to him that he'd move on to the first one that came past that had a kid?".

Ouch!

So she thought that Sam had broken up with her because he was ready for a family, and thought that she wasn't?

"You don't know that". Nick was trying to find something to say, but what do you say to that?

"I know it Nick, I saw it".

Andy was really struggling to wrap her brain around what her eyes had seen.

"Andy, guys don't date woman because they have kids". Nick- always the voice of reason.

"You had to see it understand Nick. It was...perfect".

"Andy stop".

Nick tried to get Andy to calm down, she was rattled more than he'd ever seen her.

More than when she had a guy shoved in her face. More than when he was hit in the face with a gun.

More than the day he thought that they were both going to die.

"Don't do this to yourself".

Maybe she was rattled because this was something that she couldn't fix.

"You're right".

"I am?".

She had once again surprised him by admitting that she wasn't doing herself any good right now.

"Yeah totally. I mean, after everything...it's just not worth it".

Sam left Marlo's as soon as he put Megan in her bed.

She was exhausted, and exhausted seven year olds tended to fall asleep at the table of the local pizza joint.

It was nearly nine, so it was past her bedtime.

He found himself at the Penny, Oliver's car in the parking lot making him pull over.

At least this time Oliver was sitting up straight. He'd been having a hard time staying sober after hours after his divorce went through, Sam even getting some late night calls to come down and take him home.

"Brother". Oliver's speech was slurred, so maybe it was a good thing that he stopped.

Sam nodded to Liam and held up his hand showing two fingers for two coffees. Yup coffee at the Penny was totally awesome.

"So... Why are you alone?". Oliver looked around to find nobody with Sam, when he was clearly expecting a tag-along.

"I dropped her off". Sam said as he sat down.

"You actually took her out?".

Why was that so surprising to Oliver?

"Yup?".

Liam arrived with their coffees, Oliver's face frowning when he saw the mugs.

"So, how does it feel?".

"What feel?". Sam really wasn't on the same page.

"Having McNally back?".

Sam nearly choked.

"What? You said... Who are we talking about?".

"Marlo".

"I'm talking about McNally Sammy". Oliver was wearing a lopsided smile, he really was drunker than he thought.

"Leave it alone Ollie". Sam mumbled as he reached out to slid Oliver's coffee in front of him.

"Why? Why is it so hard?" Oliver was a hopeless romantic, and pro-McNally all the way. He thought that Sam had met his match. He believed that you only ever got one perfect match.

"It's not, it's over. Done. Closed".

Since she had been back, Oliver had been trying to understand why Sam wasn't prepared to fix it.

"You need to take off the uniform Sammy, stop hiding behind the badge. It'll kill you trying".

What was that supposed to even mean?

"Sammy, you need to remember how to be human, you're not robocop, and you're not heartless. You just need to accept it".

"Let's get you home". Sam bit out as he stood up off his chair abruptly and pushed his coffee away.

He had heard enough.

Every time he had seen Oliver if he had been drinking, it was always the same.

Always McNally.

"No". Oliver mumbled looking back at his coffee.

"You need to go home and sleep it off". Sam really couldn't leave him here like this to drive home alone.

"What I need, I can't have anymore".

Sam had never heard Oliver say something so heartfelt as those few words.

He wanted his wife, and his kids; but he just couldn't have them.

Not the way he wanted.

"It's not worth it anymore Sammy".

Sam sat back down, and watched Oliver sink away into deep thoughts.

He knew exactly what it felt like to be in the bad place that Oliver was stuck in, sort of.

Only, his dark place didn't compare to nearly twelve years of marriage.

But Oliver was right, it just wasn't worth it anymore.

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	3. Changes

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**Chapter 3- Changes. **

_An...McNally was different. _

_There was just something about the air around her, her aura- it had changed in the twelve hours since he'd last seen her. _

_He could just tell by walking passed her in the hallway. _

Andy woke up, Nick's face coming into view as soon as her eyes opened.

"We're gonna be late". He chuckled holding out steaming hot coffee.

She stayed over last night, after having a teeny, tiny breakdown.

It was better than going home and losing it completely while being alone.

Lucky for her, she still had clothes here from the last time she had stayed over- the first night they came home from Dakota.

It was really rough being alone, and Nick sensed that it would take its toll on her. He had shown up at her door that night and told her to pack a bag, which she did. It was more likely because Jake Glass was running around somewhere, but she was glad for the company, so she stayed over that first night. And the second and third.

The bag just seemed to stay behind, like an insurance policy.

Andy grabbed a shower and they headed to the barn for their last shift of the week.

Andy couldn't wait to spend time away from work. Before she loved being here, now it was tainted.

Waking up this morning, she decided to let everything go. It was changing her, and it wasn't something she wanted to happen.

So she decided to just stop and let go.

All the pent up emotions and regrets seeped away down the drain of the shower as she stood under the hot spray, a freer Andy getting out of the shower.

And it felt good.

Andy noticed Gail in the hallway as they came into the barn. She had been so wrapped up in life that she hadn't even tried to put that friendship back together.

Gail walked away as they drew nearer, she did it every single time one or both of them approached.

It was obvious that she was avoiding both Andy and Nick.

Nick left Andy and headed for the men's locker room, Andy finding Gail scrounging around in her locker when she made it into the woman's locker room.

Andy walked past Gail before stopping and retreating a few steps so that she was right behind Gail.

"Hi".

Gail froze for a second before her aimless motions continued.

"Are you ever going to talk to me again?". That came out of Andy's mouth sounding as pained as it felt saying it.

Gail spun around, a cold stare from her icy eyes.

"Why does it matter?".

"It matters, we never used to be like this. I thought we were friends?". That wasn't meant to come out sounding so much like a question.

"Well maybe you thought wrong" Gail said as she turned away and slammed her locker door closed.

"If this is about Nick..."

"Look McNally, if that's payback for Sam, you're so wrong".

"What?". Gail totally blind sided her with that statement.

"That night, at the Penny? Remember that? He only took me home, nothing else. He was too into you, even then".

Where was this coming from? Gail thought that she thought Gail had a thing with Sam, so this was revenge? Seriously?

"It's not what you think. He left because you were leaving, and he wasn't invited. He thought you were leaving so he took the UC because you were walking away Gail".

Gail started walking away, her posture tense. But Andy's words made her stop and look down, but she didn't turn around.

"Nick is like Dov, or Chris Gail. Whatever you think happened didn't. But if that's what you think of me, it's okay, it really is. But to think that about him? That makes you cold and heartless. It's unforgivable".

Gail spun around and faced Andy, her face contorted into a very pained expression.

"You don't have the right to judge Andy. You did the exact same thing when you knew it was wrong. Only thing was, you didn't just walk away from Sam. You walked away from me and Traci too, when we needed you. So did Nick".

Ouch! That really hurt.

But Gail was right, she had left everyone behind when they needed her.

"Gail..."

"Don't okay. I don't need to hear how you spent six months missing home, and how you regret the decisions you made because Sam's moved on. We all know that okay. The only thing I don't get is why you would walk away from a guy like that, one that would give you the sun, moon and stars, and do what he did just to tell you he was sorry and how he feels about you".

Andy blinked rapidly, her face divulging her shock that Gail knew those details.

"Yeah, he told me. We sat at the Penny that night and got wasted because we were waiting for you and Nick to show". Gail added some clarity to her jumbled thoughts.

"You don't get it do you? Sam never gave up on you. He gave up on himself. He gave up waiting. But he never gave up on you. How do you think he found you? Because he knew something was wrong".

Gail had stepped closer, but Andy's head was tilted down. Gail was so right with everything she said that Andy couldn't even look at her right now.

When Andy looked up, her eyes were filled with fresh, unshed tears.

"You know you're right. About all of it. Except one thing, I gave up on Sam but I gave up on me too".

Andy walked away after saying that, her emotions running high.

Just when she thought she let go of everything, something else would jump up and make those raw emotions resurface.

While changing into her uniform Gail's words went around and around in Andy's head.

She knew that Sam had come looking for them, and ultimately found them. He was the one that opened the door after all.

But why would he be the one to know that something was wrong?

She knew that Nick was missing for a while, and then she was unconscious. She woke up with Nick in the room with her; everything in between blurry and vague.

When Sam opened the door he had held out his hand towards her, but Andy moved out of his hands reach before the familiar warm feeling his hands caused increased to an inferno up her skin.

His face was marred with concern, a weary look in his eyes. But his gaze was intense, making her feel like he was looking into her soul. It had reminded her of another time when he looked at her like that- the day she held the grenade.

He had asked her if she was okay when she stared backing away in small steps. She had memories of shaking her head slightly, from side to side in answer to his question that day.

Even now she could still see the images so vividly.

She had her arm's hanging around her waist, Sam's voice so soft as he had repeated the question.

And all she had said was "Just..."

And stepped away some more as he inched forwards.

The medics had been busy with Nick's face and the back of his head, but his eyes had stayed glued to her the entire time she just stood there trying to figure out what she was supposed to do.

Everything felt so surreal in that moment. Like this wasn't them.

She vaguely remembered Sam reaching out for her again, but she had cringed and pulled away, her voice finding itself saying "Just..." Again.

Just what?

She didn't really have a clue in that moment.

Sam had yelled for Noelle to come over and Andy had watched as he said something she couldn't hear to Noelle.

Noelle had approached with more caution, but she was still weary. And Andy was groggy, her head felt thick and heavy from the blow that had rendered her unconscious.

Andy remembered Noelle asking if she was okay, her only response a loud "Just...don't". Before she walked over to Nick and checked on him.

She didn't see Sam for the rest of their time while they were checked out. They were ushered away, back to the barn after that, and she still didn't see Sam again.

When they arrived at the barn, Traci had yelled her name and bounced over, enveloping her in a giant hug.

When she realized that Andy clothes were a little wet, Traci had pulled away and eyed Andy suspiciously.

It brought a smile to Andy's face for the first time in hours.

Since before everything went wrong.

Before things went sideways, Nick had called Andy out to the pool, and innocently enough she went. Nick had a candid look on his face when he mumbled a "You love me right" before giving her a soft push that caused her to topple over into the cold water with a loud splash and a screeched giggle.

A loud noise close to her made her jump, Andy coming out of her day dreams and back to reality as she saw Marlo close her locker.

Great and it just had to be directly behind hers. She didn't even know that the lockers behind her were available.

Andy grabbed a coffee and went to parade knowing where she would be assigned for the day. She was the first one in the room and took a seat at the back of the room while she finished her coffee. She wasn't supposed to be drinking it in here, but she needed the sugar after Gail's words made her mind spiral out of control.

The more the images ran rampant through her mind, the more only one image flashed repeatedly.

Sam's face when he reached out for her and she pulled away.

It fit, now that she thought about what Gail had said.

That was the moment that Sam gave up on her.

Eventually the room filled up, Nick slinking silently into the chair beside her.

"You okay?". Andy whispered just as Frank walked into the room.

Nick didn't answer, he just looked down. He didn't need to say anything for Andy to know that he had tried talking to Gail again; but it hadn't gone well.

She knew that he regretted leaving, but she also knew that he loved Gail more than his badge. He loved her, he just got freaked out.

So he left.

Because he didn't know that Gail loved him back?

Oh wow, how could she have missed that until now?

How had they managed to miss it?

That expression- love is blind, it was so true.

"Tell her you love her Nick". Andy whispered as she leaned a little closer. As far as she knew, Nick hadn't told Gail that, because they weren't really a couple.

Not labeled as one anyway, not by their own voices. But everyone knew they were.

Nick's eyes rose to seek Andy out, his lips lifting into a slightly lopsided smile. He was pondering his options, weighing them up; because up until now he hadn't thought about actually saying it to Gail.

He'd said it to Andy, and he'd told the shrink. But he never told Gail.

Frank cleared his throat, his eyes fixed on them. Andy let out a small 'Sorry' before leaning back in her chair as Frank continued his pairings.

As predicted, Andy was on duty with the D's, but Frank asked her to stay behind after parade, along with Nick, Noelle and Sam.

She was really trying not to panic, her first thoughts making her wonder what kind of screw up was now to be added to her list of mistakes.

When everyone cleared the room except them, they stood up and moved closer to Frank just as his hand set two small plastic bottles down on the desk in front of him.

"Random drug tests are part of your integration back to active duty, any objections?". Frank voiced.

Andy tried to hide her amusement, but it was kind of hard when she kept looking between Frank and the tiny plastic cup she had to pee in.

"Problem McNally?".

"No Sir".

Andy reached out and swept up the closest cup before heading for the locker room, Noelle following.

Ten minutes later, Andy came out the toilet stall with her plastic bottle full, Noelle hunched over the basin.

"You okay?".

Noelle was coughing and spluttering, her skin really pale.

Andy set her plastic cup down and washed her hands, Noelle watching her in the mirror as she moved.

"You don't look that great". Andy said, glancing back at Noelle.

She had seen her a few times since being back, but she was probably the only one that had changed a lot in the six months that they had been gone.

"I'll be okay".

Yup, Andy totally saw through that.

"You sure? Shouldn't I get Frank?". If Noelle was sick, he would want to know.

"No, I'm good".

"I can..."

"Mcnally don't okay, please?".

Noelle stood up straight, her face pleading with Andy not to get Frank.

"But you're sick Noelle, he'd want to...are you pregnant?". Andy finished her sentence on a smile, but it soon drooped before falling away at seeing Noelle's face.

"I'm not pregnant, but I am sick, that's why Frank can't know about this, or anyone".

"But..."

"Look Andy, please. He knows I'm sick, but I need to do this okay, I can't stay at home. It will drive me crazy".

"But..."

"Andy I have cancer okay. I'm undergoing chemo, and the chemo makes me sick. If he knows that it's this bad he will make me stay home".

Wow.

Andy stepped back until she felt the edge of the bench that stood in between the rows of lockers, and then she sat down.

She was numb.

Noelle sat down next to her silently, a loud breath blowing out of her as she looked at Andy.

"Frank and Traci know, and now you, so let's keep it that way?".

Andy nodded, she was so shocked that she didn't even know what to say.

"I'm so sorry". Was the first thing that came out.

"Me too". Noelle said standing up and going too retrieve Andy's drug testing sample.

She stopped in the doorway just long enough to look at Andy before saying a sweet, "Whatever happens, we live with it" and leaving.

Andy sat there a while longer taking stock of life.

Noelle was finally happy - with Frank and they had a baby almost ten months old. And she has cancer

Traci was still dealing with losing Jerry- but she was getting there one day at a time.

Oliver had gotten divorced while they were gone.

Chris had found out that he has a kid he never knew about, and transferred to his small hometown to raise his kid.

Dov had Chloe- one of the new rookies, one that seemed really bouncy?

Luke had left to clean up after Dakota, she had no idea where he was, or how he was.

Nick and Gail were so far apart that it didn't look like they we ever going to fix it.

Sam- well Sam had moved on, and had made a lot of changes in his life.

It looked like everyone's life was falling apart, with the exception of Sam. It looked like his was finally coming together.

Then there was her.

Andy McNally.

She'd left and made a smart career move. She added some wanted notches to her badge and cemented her career as a cop.

And in doing that, she had lost Sam, screwed up her closest friendships and hated herself for it.

But it was done, and there was no changing the past.

Andy finally stood up, and checked her reflection in the mirror one last time before leaving the locker room.

She thought that she had it tough, but she didn't. The others had it far worse than she did.

Andy walked to the D's office, her heart weighed down with sadness.

These were good people caught up in tough times.

Suddenly, her life didn't look so bad anymore.

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	4. Beside You

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**Chapter 4- Beside You. **

"We done?" Nick asked Sam as he held out his drug testing sample.

Sam noticed the cold tone, the one that said what Collins' mouth hadn't.

Sam reached out and took the plastic cup, a slight trace of a cocky smile finding it's way to his lips, he knew that he was smirking but he just didn't gave a damn.

Collins was a good guy, a solid cop; except when it came to having his partners back.

That was one thing Sam held against him, even though he had no right too.

Collins walked over to the basin and washed his hands, his eyes following Sam's movements towards the door.

"You don't deserve her". Slipped out of Nick's mouth before he could stop it. He'd been waiting for an opportunity to tell Swarek what an ass he was, and that he should let Andy go, and somehow now seemed perfect.

"You're right, but if you can't have her back, then neither do you".

The door slamming behind Sam signaled his departure, the loud thud echoing through the room as Nick cursed the world for being this hard to live in.

Andy resumed her case file searching from the day before, a new box of files scattered across Traci's table as she searched files by months and years.

After yesterday, she chose the different work station to avoid a repeat of the misfortunes that still lingered in the back of her mind.

Her shift was nearly over, Sam and Traci both being scarce throughout the day.

Hands over her eyes had her guessing that Traci wasn't scarce anymore. The hands slipped away, and Andy looked up to find Gail standing next to her.

"Hey". Andy said, the happiness in her voice not hiding itself. But she didn't want it too.

"About earlier..."

"I get it Gail. You needed to say it".

Gail was leaning against the edge of Traci's desk, her face revealing a whole ream of emotions.

"But it was unfair and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that... okay maybe you did, but it wasn't my place to say most of what I did. You're a good cop Andy, and you're a good person, and half of what I said has nothing to do with me".

"But you were right".

"No, I was wrong. I was just so jealous, you have what I want with Nick. You have that easy relationship that just falls into place, like you guys understand each other".

"Gail we talk, that's all you need to do".

"Mph" Gail let out on an exaggerated sigh, her eyes sweeping away as she

locked Andy out of her gaze.

"You make it sound so easy" Gail added under her breath.

"You should try, you would be surprised by how easy it is"

"I just don't know how to start?" Gail's words came out in the form of a question, she was seeking guidance in the right direction and hoping that Andy could help.

"Start with a drink, start with something easy... like hello?"

Andy's answer seemed to pacify Gail to a small extent, her eyes sparkling as her lips found a small smile.

"Let's start with a drink at the Penny later?"

Andy suggested as she stood up out of the chair she had taken residence up in.

"Seriously?".

Andy nodded, why wouldn't she want to have drinks at the Penny with Gail? It had always been one of the only things that they ever did together. And it had always been a lot of fun.

"Just us?" Gail sounded so hesitant that Andy couldn't help but wonder where her spark had gone.

"All of us?".

That made Gail smile a little wider, like she took relief in the fact that they wouldn't be left alone with copious amounts of alcohol.

"Okay". Gail shrugged before leaving Andy to carry on scrounging around in the files until the end of shift.

Gail waited for Andy when their shift was over, Traci's presence still missing. Gail had sent her a text asking her to join them, and Traci had agreed too when she was done with the crime scene that held her and Sam captivated since the early morning.

Andy and Gail found their table ready and waiting when they arrived at the Penny and ordered beers before taking up their seats.

They lingered in stiff conversation until Nick arrived.

That really intensified the awkwardness at their table.

Traci arrived three quarters of an hour later- with Sam, and stopped when she saw Gail and Nick seated at the same table.

They weren't talking, but they had that whole stare-down thing going on. That meant they were making progress.

"Hey". Traci smiled as she slid onto the chair next to Andy.

"How'd you do that?".

"She actually asked".

Traci tried to suppress her giggle just as Gail's foot met her shin under the table.

Gail excused herself a minute later, and so did Nick to get more beer.

Traci looked between Sam seated at the bar and Andy next to her, the familiar sadness encasing her brow.

"Don't". Andy wasn't a genius, but she knew what was coming.

"It's just hard watching this".

"Then don't watch Trace". Andy wasn't anymore. She'd given up on watching him.

"I can't help it, it's just like you're both happy like this?".

The comment ripped through Andy when it shouldn't have hurt that much. Of course he was happy- he had everything he could have ever wanted.

"This is how it's meant to be, like this. He's happy, I'm happy, we're just not happy...together".

"That's my point". Traci had the whole beg to differ mask on, but Andy wasn't phased.

"Trace, it's really over. Remember when I asked you if you believed in something more? Well he has his something more okay. He has a career I can't tarnish anymore, and he has the family he probably always wanted".

"What are you talking about?". Traci was genuinely confused, she had no idea.

"Marlo. He has Marlo, and she has a kid".

Traci's eyes stretched wide and her mouth fell open, a shrieked but soft "No way" fluttering out.

Andy nodded as she took a sip of her beer just as Nick set the refills down on the table.

That conversation was effectively over.

They stayed a while longer, the air around them less taunt as they shared beer and gossip.

Gail bailed first, Nick spinning around in his chair to watch her walk away when she headed for the door.

Ten minutes later, Nick left- leaving behind a full beer, and a smile on Andy's lips.

Traci nodded towards the door, Andy shaking her head and nodding towards Oliver alone at the bar.

He had come in and had a few drinks with Sam, who had left too.

"You sure?".

Andy nodded, she really hadn't seen Oliver since she'd been back.

"Okay, call me later?".

Andy nodded again, she could call Traci anytime.

"Oh...um..m are you busy on Sunday?".

"Nope".

Andy watched as Traci tensed up and looked at the floor.

"It's Jerry's birthday on Monday so..."

Wow, how had she not remembered that.

But, that she couldn't do.

"Please? I know you haven't been Andy, but I need you to do this with me?".

"I can't".

Andy felt really bad. But it was something she couldn't face.

"I need you. Besides, I already told Leo we're picking you up".

Andy let out a long sigh.

She couldn't say no to Leo, not for anything in the world. But she didn't know if she'd be up to it come Sunday.

"See you at eleven". Traci said firmly before leaving.

Andy stayed seated at her table for a while watching Oliver.

She felt his pain, and had sympathy for what he was going through. He was a good guy and really didn't deserve the bad hand that life had dealt him.

He was miserable and sad, and it seeped from him to fill any room that he was in.

After a while she slipped onto the chair next to him, a lazy smile flashed her way.

He had been drinking, a lot- since he came in and it showed.

"McNally". He greeted as she dropped her head feeling embarrassed for his part.

"Oliver". Was all she could say by way of greeting him when she looked back up.

"You too huh?". He mumbled looking around noticing that they had both been ditched.

"Nope, optional".

Oliver let out a dry chuckle, she really was so damned honest that he found it an endearment.

"It shouldn't be".

"I wanted to catch up with you, haven't seen you much".

Oliver snorted in response, she should be missing someone else a lot more. Only problem was- it didn't look like she did at all.

"So, you sure about this?" Oliver said after a while.

"About?".

"What you don't want?"

Andy rolled her eyes, if it wasn't Traci then it was someone else. And now Oliver too.

"Yup". She amazed herself by actually sounding totally believable saying that, even to her own ears.

"I think it's faked". Oliver looked at her like he was serious, and sober when he said that.

"What? Me?".

"And Sam. It's not how it's supposed to be. I get that he wants a family, but taking on Allen's...just doesn't feel right. He deserves his own".

Okay then. Oliver knew about Marlo's kid then.

"Allen, Sam's former partner, before he met you. They were good friends. He was killed in a MVA and Marlo left just after that. She left Meg's with her sister until she came back".

Well that explained why the kid was so comfortable with Sam. She probably knew him a little more than met the eye.

But these were details Andy didn't need to know, didn't want to know.

"Oliver..."

"It's just... Not Sammy anymore. All that touchy-feely, and that... Nausiating face-sucking, he's worse than Izzy".

Andy set her glass down on the bar a little louder than she needed too, but it kept Oliver from saying anymore.

He really wasn't trying to be insensitive, he was just speaking his mind with the one person that he thought could relate.

And understand.

They drank in silence for a while after that, up until Andy switched to soda. Oliver was getting beyond hammered so she would let him and stay with the program to make sure that he got home okay.

A while later, Oliver headed for the men's room, Liam shaking his head as he bought Andy a mug of steaming hot coffee.

"You driving him home?". Liam asked as he looked in the direction Oliver went in.

Andy nodded, Liam's smile unmasked.

"You don't need too, I call Swarek to come get him when he's done".

That grabbed Andy's attention.

"All the time?".

"Every night". Liam answered before walking away.

Wow, Sam came out every night to take Oliver home?

Two hours later Andy assure Liam that she would manage as he helped her get Oliver into his car. He was beyond reproach.

Andy had asked him his new address earlier, so she had that information as she pointed his car in that direction and drove.

Getting Oliver inside wasn't as hard as Andy had figured it would be, he was cooperating and supporting himself on his own two feet; even though they were wobbly and unsteady. As was his balance and coordination.

Andy watched as Oliver crashed on to the couch with a loud "umf" before getting comfy, his eyes growing heavy as he stared vacantly into space.

Andy took a moment to loiter just inside the doorway, her eyes taking in the scarcely decorated and furnished lounge.

Oliver had mumbled that she should come to his housewarming the last Saturday of the month, and her mind had already made itself up to do that, and what perfect gift she could get him.

It didn't take long before Oliver's breathing evened out and he started snoring softly.

Andy walked over to the couch and pulled on the blanket carelessly tossed across the back of it, her hand snaking out to drape it over Oliver as he found rest within reach.

Andy took one last look at him before retreating silently out of his apartment and closing the door behind her.

Making sure that the door was locked by trying the handle, Andy felt herself relax knowing that he made it home in one piece.

Spinning around, Andy rammed into a hard surface that wasn't supposed to be there, a deep gasp freeing itself as she tried to back away from it.

Sam cocked an eyebrow at her sneaking out of Oliver's new apartment in the middle of the night; he didn't even know that she knew the address.

Andy backed away from Sam, his face way too close to keep her from uttering a string of obscenities.

"It's not...". She mumbled as Sam crossed his arm's over his chest.

He knew exactly what it was; only because he hadn't heard from Liam so he went down to the Penny to see where Oliver was.

Imagine his surprise when he found Liam locking up and heard that McNally had taken Oliver home. Luckily he asked the cabbie to wait.

"So it's...?". And he couldn't resist asking her that. She looked so mortified that he had caught her slipping out the door.

Andy made to step around Sam, a light huff coming out instead of an explanation.

"Need a ride home?". Sam asked as Andy stopped at the top of the staircase just outside of Oliver's front door.

"I just drove him home Sam". Why was she even bothering to explain it to him? She knew that he appreciated what she had done and that his mind would never conjure up any weird ideas. He knew her and he knew Oliver well enough.

Andy skipped down the stairs not waiting to her Sam's reply.

She nearly reached the bottom, her mind chanting 'don't look up' over and over as her feet patted down the stairs, but of course- she never listened to her mind so she looked up.

Sam was leaning on the banister looking down at her, one of those stupid smiles on his face as he watched her leave.

Andy passed for a second before looking away and descending the remaining few steps that led outside.

She found a cab waiting outside the door and guessed that it was probably waiting for Sam. Since he couldn't drive his truck and Oliver's car it wasn't hard to assume that Sam used a cab to the Penny and then wherever from Oliver's.

Looking at the cab and back at the door of Oliver's building Andy couldn't resist it.

"What the hell". She whispered as she climbed in the back and told the cabbie that the guy was staying and she was leaving instead.

She was probably going to pay dearly for stealing Sam's cab, but right now it was just too good to pass up.

Sam used his keys to slip into Oliver's and check on him. It wasn't that he didn't trust Andy to make sure that he would be okay before leaving Oliver, he just needed to reassure himself.

Ten minutes later Sam left the building to find his cab gone.

He should have known that she would steal it while he was upstairs.

The whole scenario caused him to let out a loud chuckle.

She had changed; a whole heap- but something's were still just so her.

Oliver lived on a really quiet street so Sam let his feet carry him towards the intersection a block down, hoping that he'd find a cab there.

By the second block, his demeanor had faltered slightly but not drastically. It was because of those thoughts that so freely took over his mind whether he wanted them too or not.

By the third block Sam realized that he wasn't even paying attention to any cabs that may pass him; his mind was wrapped up in meaningless thoughts that everything else seemed to be forgotten.

Meaningless- a word he never thought he'd use to describe his past or his life.

But it was the wrong word, it wasn't meaningless. None of it had been.

Sam searched for a word to replace meaningless, and finally found one when he reached the end of the eleventh block.

Self-inflicted-punishment.

Okay, so it wasn't one word, but that's what the thoughts had been.

A trip down memory lane leading him to feel things that shouldn't be there, that shouldn't exist.

That hadn't gone away.

His phone buzzed, and he retrieved it out of his pocket as he stopped at another intersection, under the street light.

Lifting his phone up he saw Marlo's name flash across the screen.

Looking up Sam took in his surroundings, a loud sigh emitting itself as he noticed where his feet had carried him too.

Ignoring the call, Sam let it ring through to voicemail as he tucked it neatly in his pocket and took one last look up at the building across the street.

So wrapped up in his own world his feet responded by heading past his own steer and right in the direction his mind steered itself in.

Andy remembered that she hadn't closed her curtains, so when she got out the shower she headed straight for the lounge to close them.

She left the lights off not wanting the entire street to see her clad in her pajamas as she closed the curtains.

She tugged the first one closed, her hand still clutching the fabric as she found a figure standing across the street staring up at her like he knew that she was there.

She could see the light from his phone shining as he held it in his hand, his gaze lifting to her window before he looked back down at his phone.

This was not a good thing!

It was actually creeping her out.

Andy stood behind the half closed curtain and watched as Sam stayed under the street light looking up at her window, her heart picking up it's pace before a stabbing pain seared through it as memories from the past latched themselves onto her thoughts.

There was no way that she was letting him do this, not now.

Not after she had finally convinced herself that things were better left alone, that they were the way they were meant to be because they were they way he wanted them to be.

Clenching the fabric a little tighter, Andy drew the other curtain closed before making her way to bed.

She didn't need to let him unnerve her now, so she would just pretend that this had never happened.

Erase it from her mind like the hurt she had become so good at covering up.

******Thanks for reading! Let me know if you're still here by leaving an awesome review. **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	5. Almost

**Hello again, thanks for all the awesome reviews & alerts to this & Lie to me! You guys are the best in all fandoms!**

**Thanks to kelly2727, the regulars & stewart14!**

**Here's more-**

**Chapter 5- Almost. **

Sunday came too quickly, Traci arriving at eleven as promised to pick her up.

Leo was ecstatic to see Andy again, his small arm's wrapping around her neck tightly as soon as she picked him up. She had missed these moments while she had been gone.

Traci drove them to the cemetery in silence, she was barely holding it together. Even nine months after Jerry was gone.

Andy retrieved the flowers she bought for Jerry out of the boot of Traci's car when they stopped. She decided on simple white Lilies because she knew that Traci loved them. Traci had a beautiful wreath done in red and white and green, and Leo brandished a huge homemade birthday card that he carried with pride.

They carried the flowers in silence to Jerry's grave where Andy noticed another figure huddled down low as he whispered words only meant for Jerry's ears.

Sam stood up when he saw them approach, his head nodding slightly in their direction before he moved away in the opposite direction.

"Is this ever going to not be weird?". Traci asked as she looked at Andy.

"It's not weird". Andy said resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

Sam knew that it was pointless talking to Jerry, that he'd never get an answer; but he did it anyway. Every single time he came here.

He'd tell Jerry how Nash was doing, and that he'd be so proud of her for becoming one of the best detectives their division had seen in a while.

He told him how Oliver was losing himself and how it was ripping his insides out because he didn't know how to help him.

He even told Jerry about Marlo and Megan and how things were now that Andy was back.

Before he could stop himself, he asked Jerry for advise he knew he was never going to get because right now he had no idea what he was doing anymore.

Listening to the silence of the answer Sam looked up to find Nash and her kid approaching with Andy. He saw the funny side to that, and would bet his last penny that Jerry would have found the omen hilarious.

Andy watched as Traci set her flowers down and whispered soft words to a concrete headstone that wouldn't answer back.

It was so sad to watch knowing that she could pour her heart out and never hear the words back.

They stayed for a while before leaving. Andy was glad that she came, she felt better for it although she doubted that the guilt she felt would ever fade away.

Some days she wondered what the point was, all the trials and tribulations; those that brought them all closer, and those that drove them all apart.

Life was tough, it was hard, but staying honest to herself was even harder.

Days would float by and the loud tick tock of an invisible clock would remind her that time wouldn't stop just because she wished it would.

Thinking back, remembering was the hardest part.

The honestly shared smiles and whimsical flirtation...

It was from a different lifetime.

Long ago, or once upon a time or however the fairytale would be told one day.

That was the starting point...the beginning of their story.

Once when love was enough, when just belonging was enough.

When being was how it was meant to be.

Mulling over mistakes, tormented over errors, nothing changed. It was still the same... Even tomorrow when she woke, it would be the same.

Twisted up in the sheets, enveloped by his scent; memories would plague her mind...

Happy days where smiles bloomed and eyes danced. But not now, now life evolved around a familiar emptiness... A gaping hole.

Tears had been shed, and words uttered- but still nothing would evolve. They were where they were because of decisions, and choices they made.

They.

Them.

Separately, but together.

It was still a paring, like when they were Rookie and TO or Partners. Then it went to the next level and became- more? Friends, lovers, the past?

There was never a defining label, a term used to describe them...their relationship. It was always, well... Just them.

His scent still lingered in her memories, even though she tried not to inhale it in her mind.

His image... So vivid... So real.

Like he hadn't said those cutting words, the ones that drove her away.

But, yet somehow she understood.

She felt it, even after she came home.

After she walked away. Walked away from them.

But it gave her clarity, insight into what she had been through, and prepared her for what would come.

Coming home was easy, it was meant to happen and no matter what anyone said, or thought; one way or another- it would happen.

In her own shoes, or in a body bag- she would have to come home.

When she did, it was worse than she was prepared for.

He had moved on, something that she never allowed to cross her mind. The possibility was always pushed away.

Gail had been ignoring her, other than for the ice cold glares she got, but that seemed to right itself. She just didn't know if it would ever be the same though.

Nick was chasing his dream, Traci was facing life without hers, Dov was realizing his, Oliver was letting his go, Noelle was fulfilling hers, Chris was moving to be closer to his- and she was letting hers go.

Watching it walk away into the arm's of another.

Something that hurt, really cut deeply.

After all that he had said, all the promises he had made...and then nothing.

The days that ensued Andy taking a rather drunk Oliver home were flawed with Sam being around every corner she turned.

Granted they worked together, but seriously; how was it even possible for him to just always be there?

She turned a corner and slammed straight into him, she left the locker room after shift and there he was; waiting for Marlo.

She even ran into him when she went to the grocery store on an off morning.

It was like the universe was taunting her, rubbing what she screwed up in her face at every given opportunity.

They were able to be civil and polite, muttered 'Mornings' or a little less awkward 'Hi's' being passed between them as they adjusted to her presence suddenly being real.

It was pleasant, but it was just so damned hard.

She had forced herself to accept that things weren't ever going to get better, or be like they were, but he was always there.

It brought back a lot of painful memories, memories of the times he had always been there whether she needed him or not, or whether she wanted him there or not.

And it was really making all those tiny things that she let go of come back.

The worst was the regret.

That was something that really hadn't ever fully gone away and now- it was a powerful emotion that made her wish she could go back in time and change things.

But she couldn't. So she had to live with it.

This morning was no different to any other since she had been back.

She arrived just barely on time for parade, and saw Sam arriving at work and meeting Marlo in the parking lot.

She tugged her uniform on, and skipped coffee- she didn't have time, and she headed for parade.

Nick was waiting with an empty chair beside him, like he always did. Only this morning he was smiling a little more.

And everything else was just the same.

Frank came in and started parade, handed out pairings and briefed them on recent events.

But it didn't feel right.

Something was wrong, or something was...missing?

Something was just way off.

But Andy ignored it, and started her day as normal, without a partner out on patrol.

Her day was uneventful, a quiet shift, but she was glad.

It was hot, and running in the heat wasn't really something she was looking forward too.

She parked the cruiser and checked in the keys for the next shift before clearing her gun and checking that in too.

Coming out the locker room, Andy was surprised to find Sam missing, although Marlo was still inside getting changed.

"Hey McNally". Frank's voice called just as she was about to clear the doorway.

Andy stopped and moved towards him, his face graced with worry.

"Everything okay?".

He looked tired too.

"Can I swap you out to nights for the rest of the week? Noelle's um... Sick".

"Yeah, sure. Is she okay?.

Frank found the ability to nod,"Thanks".

Frank didn't know who to ask, but his wife had told him to ask McNally. He didn't understand why until he saw the worry flash across McNally's face. Noelle had told her about the cancer.

She was a good cop, so he was comfortable with the trade, she'd be okay with the staff that she didn't really work with.

Maybe he'd have her paired with the other Peck. He would look out for her.

Steve Peck had transferred in when Collins and McNally went UC, so he'd been around for a while.

Andy stayed in bed later than normal the next morning, before getting up and going for a run.

Traci called when she was missing from parade, and then Nick had called; but she assured them that she was okay and just trading shifts.

"Promise me you're okay".

Sam's ears were burning the second he heard those words come out of Collins' mouth as he passed him in the hallway.

Andy wasn't at parade so Sam instinctively knew that Collins called to check on her.

He couldn't help but wonder what kept her away from work.

She didn't take time off work, ever.

"Hey". Marlo's voice suddenly drew him in as he found her walking towards him.

"Hi".

She held out coffee, and his hand reached for it, their fingers brushing lightly as he took hold of the cup.

"See you later".

She was gone after that.

Sam sat down at his desk, his mind trying to focus on his cases, but refusing too as he let himself think about all the times Andy brought him coffee.

Things were so different with her.

Their fingers would brush and he would feel like he'd been struck by lightning.

She would hover in front of him, babbling a hundred miles an hour and his heart rate would pick up at her close proximity.

Her hands were warm and soft when he held her hand in his. Her fingers fitting perfectly between his as his hand held on.

But with Marlo... The attraction was there, but her hand just didn't feel right in his. Like it didn't fit.

"Sam we've got a lead". Nash bursting through their office door drew his attention.

He loved working with her, she was a great cop, and always immersed herself in her cases.

She was strong and passionate about doing her job- and she did it well.

Jerry would be proud.

They recently inherited a case and Sam remembered key points from a case when he was just starting out. McNally was researching the old case files and had turned over a few leads that had yet to pan out. But judging by Nash's face now, they had one that was about to swing them in the right direction.

Over the next two weeks Andy stayed on night shift between her off days. Noelle was really sick from the chemo and couldn't even keep her food down on a good day.

Andy didn't mind, the change was good and helped her steer clear of those awkward moments when she'd run into Sam or Sam and Marlo.

But she missed the comfort of her friends on shift, the ones she trusted over the years to have her back.

Steve was a good guy, a good cop; but things were just different being paired with him.

Unconsciously Andy compared patrolling with all the guys in her life. Oliver, Dov, Chris, Nick, Steve and Sam.

Each had their favorite key points, like on patrol with Oliver you always had the best lunches, with Dov you didn't stop laughing.

With Chris you had less chance of screwing up, because he would remind you of protocol. With Nick patrol had been turbulent because of the last few shifts they had pulled together before they left for Dakota. Those ones seemed to cover the happier times she remembered patrolling with him.

Then there was patrolling with Sam. Those times had been indescribable and locked away before they would unleash a reign of sadness. But she wouldn't deny missing those days.

Andy grabbed a shower and looked for Traci, it was Oliver's housewarming and they were going to head over after Andy finished her shift. Frank had managed to swap Andy out with another officer, but it meant she had been on desk all day, and it was just for today.

She was relieved to be able to attend tonight considering she had got him the perfect gift. It wasn't something she wanted to miss.

Thirty minutes later they arrived at Oliver's apartment, a mass of bodies already filling the small space.

Sam had opened the door when Traci had knocked and Andy had to will herself to keep her face neutral at seeing him. She had figured he'd be here, obviously.

Andy managed a week smile in his direction as they walked through the door, Oliver smiling broadly as he noticed their presence.

Traci held out a box for Oliver to take, his face reveling his surprise. He wasn't expecting gifts.

"Mine will be delivered a little later" Andy said as she watched Oliver rip the paper off Traci's gift.

Sam was watching them from over Oliver's shoulder, casually sipping on a beer. He had that whole cool calm and collected look working for him.

Andy took in the faces around the room noticing that Marlo was missing, or maybe just running a little late? They'd all been on shift together so she had seen her.

"Thank you". Oliver said giving Traci a hug, she had gotten him a whole stack of photo frames knowing that he would love to put photographs of his girls in them.

Sam appeared next to them holding out a round of beer bottles.

Traci reached out first and took one saying thanks before making herself conveniently scarce. Oliver ambled away too leaving Sam holding out the last bottle for Andy to take.

"Thanks". She managed to mumble as his attempt to bridge the gap between them.

"I got him a coffee maker". Sam said for no apparent reason.

"I um... Got him something special". Andy said lifting the beer bottle to her lips to hide her smirk as Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Not telling". Andy said before walking away and leaving Sam standing watching her.

As time moved closer to the delivery time Andy kept looking nervously at her watch then Oliver.

When there was a knock, and it was twenty minutes late; she felt relieved that all might turn out just as she hoped it would.

When Sam moved to answer the door, Andy screeched out a high pitched "No" and grabbed his hand. Oliver had to answer the door.

Sam looked at Andy like he found it really amusing that she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards her by it.

Oliver looked at Sam who just shrugged before he excused himself from the company of the person he was talking too, to answer the door.

Sam didn't move away, he just stood in front of Andy who still held on to his hand so tightly that the heat seared all the way up his arm.

Andy seemed to be fixated on watching Oliver over his shoulder, so engrossed that she had forgotten that she was holding his hand.

But he didn't mind.

Andy saw Oliver's face break out into the biggest smile she'd ever seen when he opened the door to find unexpected guests on his doorstep.

"Daddy".

The voice made Sam spin around to find Oliver's girls all embracing him simultaneously in the doorway. Zoe was there too, but held back as though she was really uncomfortable.

Sam faced Andy who seemed to sense him watching her at the same time she remembered his hand. She let go and took a step back mumbling a muted "sorry" even though the smile on her face was much more than he was used to seeing these days.

She moved away after watching Oliver a little more and made her way into the kitchen, Sam following regardless of the fact that he shouldn't be.

"Did you um...?". he asked just above a whisper when he found her standing looking at a now empty beer bottle.

Andy nodded. "Figured he might kinda need them here".

Sam looked back into the lounge to find Zoe inside too and the door closed. Surprisingly.

"How did...". This was unbelievable, and Sam couldn't wrap his mind around the face that she had so selflessly gone over there or called them and asked them to be here.

Andy dumped the empty bottle into the trashcan and grabbed a refill from the fridge, Sam eyeing her while she moved around the kitchen as he lingered in the doorway.

She didn't say anything else, but stopped in front of him intending on moving back to the rest of the crowd as they mingled in the lounge.

But Sam didn't move, he just stood there unmistakably shut down by what she had done for Oliver.

When he felt her brush against him as she slid through the gap between him and the other side of the doorframe, his hand snaked out and his fingers wrapped around her forearm just as she was lined up with him.

She looked up, a small hint of a light pink tint on her cheeks as she did.

"Thank you". Sam said sincerely.

It made her lips crack up into the mega-watt smile he suddenly found himself missing.

Andy was blinking rapidly as she looked up at Sam, a familiar look crossing her face as she wedged her lips between her teeth and let herself get lost in the moment they seemed to be having.

Sam recognized the look as one he knew well, and right now he was willing to let it play out just like she wanted it too.

She was wearing the look that told him if he stood there long enough, she would kiss him.

And right now, he wasn't planning on moving.

*******Thanks for reading! Let me know if you're still here! **

**PS- I'm so envious its only 4 days for most of you!**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	6. Push Me Away

**As always- you guys are awesome!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars! As well as stewart14 & all the newbies!**

**Chapter 6- Push Me Away. **

Andy was wallowing in self-satisfaction at seeing such a simple act cause such great pleasure when Oliver opened the door.

She had stopped at Zoe's house after shift one day and asked if the girls could come by tonight. Zoe had been reluctant to let them go on their own having heard the rumors of Oliver's drinking, so she had eventually relented and agreed to bring them for a while herself.

When Andy moved to the kitchen, she tried to force memories- of when she had been in the same position only on the other end of the stick- out of her mind. She had been the kid that grew up with a father that found a bottle the best company.

When she looked up Sam was watching her, so she grabbed a fresh beer after dumping her empty bottle and tried to escape the uncomfortable temperature in the room.

When Sam stopped her in the door when she tried to leave the kitchen, her strong facade slipped, just for a split second.

Everything around them seemed to evaporate. Like it didn't matter.

Sam was watching her through his lashes when she felt the pain tear through her lip as she clamped her teeth down on it.

He knew exactly what she was thinking.

Andy suddenly pried her arm free of his warm fingers before rushing past him and slipping in between the bodies that lingered around in the lounge.

Sam let out a frustrated sigh as he pinched his eyes closed and allowed his head to hang.

What the hell was he thinking?

She had lost herself in one unguarded moment, and he just left her to do it knowing that she would catch herself before she made a mistake.

Mistake.

That wasn't quite what he wanted to hear her kissing him labeled as.

Pushing off the doorframe he went looking for her, a hard stare from Nash flung in his direction when he looked at her questioningly.

Great, Andy had left and that was something Nash was holding over his head as his fault.

Sam set his beer bottle down on the first surface he came across as he made his way for the door. He couldn't leave Andy thinking that this was another mistake to add notches on their already unstable history.

Andy told Traci that she had to leave, and that she would see her tomorrow on shift, before she left. She knew that Sam would give chase, so she climbed up the two flights of stairs that went upstairs, instead of going down. She just really didn't want to face him right now.

She was right of course, she heard the door open just as she sat down on the stairs and tried to be as quiet as possible.

She heard heavy footsteps descend the stairs before there was only silence.

It didn't last long though, the footsteps came back up moments later, the door closing loudly as Sam reentered Oliver's apartment.

Andy was cursing herself for her own stupidity.

She knew that Sam was off limits, and yet she allowed herself to jump into a situation that nearly caused her to do something stupid- again.

Kissing Sam while he was dating Marlo was definitely really stupid.

She had seen his mask slip too in that instant, he knew that she had almost done it, but yet he stood there like he was anticipating and ready for it.

As Andy stood up, she heard a door open again, but this time she heard Sam's voice.

"..Just call me. Don't... I... Just call me. Please".

She heard his footsteps carry him down the stairs again so she waited a while longer before she was sure that he had left.

She left her phone in her purse in Traci's car, so she slipped back into Oliver's and asked Traci to take her home.

As soon as they were in Traci's car, the worried look in her direction told her that she had some serious explaining to do.

"Wanna tell me what all that was about?". Of course Traci was far from subtle when she wanted answers.

"Nope. It's nothing Traci".

"Andy, I saw what happened. You can't keep hiding it".

"It's just... This can not be happening".

"What can't be happening?".

Andy closed her eyes and let her head rest back as Traci drove. She needed to choose her words really carefully.

"Have you told him?".

Andy's eyes snapped up to stare at Traci who kept herself focused on the road.

"What?".

"Andy, it's always been Sam. Even when you were in a bad place, and when you were hurting; it was still Sam. Even now, but you need to tell him that".

"How Traci? He's moved on, we're not even on the same page anymore. We're on different chapters...in different books".

Traci pulled up outside Andy and turned to face her. "You'll figure it out".

Andy forced a smile before getting out of the car and heading inside. At least one of them thought that there was something to be figured out.

When Andy had pulled on her pajamas, she put her phone on charge and set the alarm. She had one more night shift to go and then she had a few days off, so at least avoiding Sam would be easier.

She seriously wasn't ready to go down the road they seemed to be heading towards.

She found missed call notification's and message alerts and opened the icon to find seven missed calls from Sam.

He really just couldn't let it go.

The message alerts were voicemail's- from him too. The first one being what she had heard him say when she run up the stairs outside Oliver's door.

The second was much the same, just longer pauses between his words.

Slipping between the covers Andy hoped that he would not show up here and want to talk about what didn't happen. He had Marlo to kiss, he should concentrate on that.

Sam noticed her presence missing the next morning and debated calling her again.

He knew that she had seen his missed calls and listened to his voicemail's; he just hadn't figured out why she hadn't called him back. Unless she didn't want to talk to him.

Marlo was hovering around him all morning until she left for patrol, she had sensed his indifference and tried to get him to open up about it.

Nash had also been quiet today, but her remorseful glances made him wonder if she knew something he didn't.

Ten minutes before the end of shift, twenty-seven called and asked if he wanted to come down and interrogate the suspect he had been looking for. They had arrested the guy for a DUI and matched him to Sam's case.

Sam told Traci to go home before he headed for the neighboring division hoping that it wouldn't be a long night.

Andy made it to the barn just as the sun set and plunged the city into darkness.

Traci was on her way out when she came in, her friendly hello making Andy's day.

She scanned for Sam and was grateful when she came up empty.

Andy was solo tonight, Steve Peck had a family emergency so Andy hoped that Gail was okay.

Sunday nights were always quiet, and this shift was no different.

When the Sun came up and peeked out from behind a few scattered rain clouds, Andy headed back to the barn happy that the night had finally turned to sunset.

She was back early and decided to grab a quick shower after finishing her paperwork. It would be another hour before the next shift came in.

What Andy had not bargained on was Sam's presence suddenly filling the locker room just as she decided to take her shower.

He looked tired and worn down as he lingered just inside the doorway as though he was looking for permission to be in here.

"Got a minute?".

Andy huffed out a breath as she turned to face him, noticing that his hair was slightly damp. So was his shirt- it was speckled with raindrops.

"Nope". Andy said closing her locker, she would just go home dressed like this and take a shower before going to bed.

She had most of her uniform on still, minus her boots, duty belt and cap. She had put her jacket on when she pulled the cruiser in and parked it, the wind picking up at the hint of rain.

"We need to talk". Sam said sternly, he still had his TO voice well rehearsed.

"There's nothing to talk about. It was almost a stupid mistake, but it didn't happen; so there's nothing to talk about".

Andy was patting her pockets down searching for her phone, but she couldn't find it. Probably left it in the cruiser in her haste to get inside as the rolling thunder crackled.

"A mistake?". That right there, caused Sam a sudden pain in his chest as everything became crystal clear.

Andy grabbed her shoes out of her bag on the bench and slipped her feet into them before heading for the door. Lacing her boots back up would just take too long.

She needed too get the keys, go back to the cruiser and get her phone before repeating all those steps in reverse.

She didn't answer Sam as she walked away, but he was right behind her. He was there when she got the keys for the cruiser, and when she walked outside into the soft raindrops as a flash of lightning lit up the sky.

"Andy wait".

She stopped and turned to face him, her face full of unreadable emotions.

"Don't okay. I'm sorry, but it didn't happen. So just disregard it okay".

Sam stared at her, trying to figure out if he was the one making the mistake by actually thinking that he saw something there when she looked at him like she did in Oliver's kitchen.

Andy swiped away a few water droplets that landed on her face before angling herself away from Sam, every intention of continuing her mission.

Sam reached out just as she stepped forwards, his hand lifting her arm up and holding on to it in a bid to get her to stand there just a little longer so he could see her face.

Andy caught the movement out the corner of her eye, her gaze moving from Sam to the right just as she recalled the face looking at her through the open car window as it rolled by slowly.

The sadistic smile under the dark hair made alarm bells go off- they were louder than her erratic heartbeat that suddenly drowned Sam's voice out.

Andy stood frozen to the spot as she watched the gleam fill the dark eyes as they stared at her.

Drawing in a sharp breath that caught in her throat, Andy raised both her hands to Sam's chest as she turned her face towards him. He seemed to cock his head to the side in confusion as he took in the panic and fear written all over her face.

She suddenly pushed him as hard as she could, his hand slipping from her arm as the gunshot rang out.

He was stumbling backwards, his eyes filtering between Andy and the gun pointed out the car window at them.

Andy took a step back, when the second shot rang out, followed by a third and forth.

She was on the ground when the deafening silence followed the loud bangs of the gunshots as they died down and Sam's world stopped turning.

******Thanks for reading! Hope you'll leave another awesome review! **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	7. Dead Wrong

**Wow, as always thanks for the amazing response!**

**Chapter 7- Dead Wrong. **

Sam barely heard the sound of squealing tires followed by more gunshots and heavy footsteps over the drone of his thundering heartbeat as it ravaged his eardrums.

He was vaguely aware that there were slamming doors and revving engines, followed by sirens and voices.

Plenty of voices, but their words were unclear. Inaudible above the sound of panic as it cursed through him.

Sam had hit the ground sometime too, when he would never know, he just knew that he went down- well backwards and then down. The feel of the rough concrete under his hands was cold and wet as he tried to find his footing.

Andy wasn't far from him, three, maybe four feet away- but hearing her gasping for air was a sound that would haunt Sam for as long as he lived.

Within seconds he was next to her, his hands tearing at the zipper of her jacket as he tried to free her of the hindering material, but he was battling because his hands were shaking too much. He was desperate to see what was going on under the blinding item, but then of course when in a hurry: the zipper would get stuck.

Andy tried to sit up- her breath still coming out in strangled pants- and then gave up and tried to roll over, but Sam kept a hand on her shoulder telling her to stay down, while the other battled to get the zipper to budge.

Andy's eyes were wet, and Sam knew that it was from unshed tears from the pain that she was feeling and not from the rain that blanketed them in soft splatters.

"Stay down". Sam said again as he lifted her jacket flaps away to find her vest staring back at him when he finally got the zipper unzipped.

In one split second he was more relieved than he had ever been.

She took the bullets to her vest, all four of them glittering as lightning sparked up the grey sky.

He was vaguely aware of grabbing on to her hand and telling her to slow her breathing down, and to take shallow breaths. His other hand was wiping raindrops mingled with tears from her face as she scrunched her eyes closed in a futile attempt to block out the immense pain she was feeling.

Oliver's voice suddenly filled his ear, so did a screaming Nash's.

The new shift had just started arriving, and the shift going off had started leaving, so they were suddenly surrounded by waves of blue, and a sea of concerned faces.

It wasn't long before the medics arrived and loaded Andy into the back of an ambulance with Nash. They drove away with Sam watching the street long after they had disappeared from sight.

Oliver called him inside to tell him that whoever shot at them got away, Sam's mood sinking into a darker hole than it had been in when he watched Andy get shot.

Frank sent him home, and told him to get some rest so he left the barn and headed straight for the nearest hospital.

He found Nash in the waiting room looking calmer than he had anticipated finding her.

She even managed to smile when she saw him come through the doors. Like she was glad he was here? That wasn't even making sense to him right now.

"She's okay". She managed to say when he was close enough, her voice still shaky as she thought of saying words that would be far from the ones she just uttered.

"Wher... Where is she?". Sam's voice was not in the same condition as her's was, in fact it was failing miserably to even sound remotely like him. It started cracking before snapping on the first word.

"ER. She's got three cracked ribs, so they're gonna strap... Sam!".

He was moving before Nash finished her sentence.

He walked into the ER, his eyes peeking in behind closed curtains as his hand parted the material; until he found her sitting up on the bed in her pants and sports bra while a nurse hovered beside her.

The fact that she was clad only in a sports bra didn't unnerve him in any way; the three large blue and purple marks that covered most of her front did.

Sam yanked the curtain open, and stepped inside before doing the same to close it, proud of himself that right now- he hadn't ripped them clean off the railings.

He let his eyes roam over Andy before he let his hand pinch the bridge of his nose, his breath billowing out loudly as he tried to rein in his rage.

_"Are you kidding me? Have you completely lost you mind, or is it just second nature to do something so stupid?". _

Andy's eyes widened, as did the nurses when he was just suddenly there and yelling.

_"You could have been killed Andy. Bullets kill people, but no- you just step right up and take four to the vest without even thinking!". _

Andy had never seen him so mad. He wasn't mad, or angry, he was enraged. He looked agitated and the waves of frustration rolling off of him were like no other that she had ever seen. And he had never really yelled at her like that- or anyone else: ever.

His hand was rubbing over his face and through his hair like he was ready to pull it out.

"Sam..."

"Not one Andy,_ four_. Like it_ wouldn't matter_ if one of them missed and hit you between the eyes when you stepped between me and that gun".

Of course he had picked up on her stepping slightly sideways and in front of him while she pushed him away, he obviously didn't see who was shooting at them, or rather her- so he thought it was meant for him.

"That kind of stupidity costs lives Andy, and when it's done-_ you can't fix it, or take it back". _

Sam saw Andy cringe with every syllable he said, she was actually shrinking away like it would stop the onslaught of harsh words. But he needed to get them out, needed her to understand.

Andy grabbed her shirt off the bed next to her, and tried not to wince as the pain shot through her. Sam watched as she tried to tug it over her head before giving up and standing up with it still clutched in her hand. He noticed her knuckles turn white over the black material as she did her damnedest too stand up straight and hide the pain that was ripping through her.

She was too proud to show that she was hurt, or too let the cracks display themselves.

Andy picked her jacket up and pulled it on although it had four new air holes in it; before finally walking up to Sam and stopping.

She lifted her head to look him in the eye, hers filled with glistening tears.

"Jake Glass". She hissed under her breath between clenched teeth before stepping around him, pulling the curtain open and walking through the slit between the two pieces of fabric that did nothing to keep his burning tone quiet.

Sam exhaled a deep breath, he had it wrong.

The shots were meant for her, and she didn't want one to hit him- so she stepped in front of him and took all four.

But it was still a stupid move, and having to watch her get shot a second time without knowing if she had her vest on or not had nearly killed him.

"That was harsh brother". Oliver said as Sam slipped out from behind the curtain.

Of course he would be here too check on Andy, and Sam too; considering that he was wiser than he looked, and knew more than he let on.

"You didn't need to yell at her, I think she knows what could have happened".

Oliver had a point, but right now Sam didn't care.

Sam looked up to find Marlo standing in the doorway with her arm's crossed over her chest, an unhappy look on her face. She had probably heard every single word he had just thrown at Andy too, the whole ER had; and probably this entire section of the hospital.

Oliver shrugged and walked away- it wasn't his fight.

"You're here". Marlo said coldly when Sam reached her.

"She got shot Marlo".

"Yeah Sam to the vest, but you're still here".

"She's my partner, where else would I be?".

Marlo let out a dry laugh as she looked down the hallway.

"Last time I checked, that was over,_ 'in the past'_ according to you. She hasn't been your partner for nearly a year Sam".

Okay, so Marlo had a point, but he still- even now- thought of Andy as his partner.

"Just... Admit it Sam. That was never over, it was taking time out". Marlo sneered at him before turning on her heel and walking away.

Sam left the hospital and went home. He tried to sleep after pulling an all nighter at twenty-seven, but he couldn't shut off.

His mind wouldn't let go of the images burned into it.

He called Sarah and watched sports highlights until he couldn't anymore. The day had drifted away, the rain never fully leaving the city.

He woke up in the early hours of Monday morning drenched in a cold sweat after envisioning Andy not wearing a vest when Glass shot her.

He slid out of bed and went for a run, the rain from Sunday now nothing more than a distant memory.

As his feet pounded pavements, he thought over every single emotion he felt. He tore them apart and dissected them trying to figure out what he was supposed to feel.

Since Andy had come back he'd been second guessing his idea of moving on with Marlo.

He had compared holding Andy's hand to holding Marlo's.

He had compared Andy's smile to how Marlo's made him feel when she smiled his way.

Everything about them had been compared at some point or other.

But when it came to how he felt about them... That was worlds apart.

By the time he reached the park he had reached one conclusion. One that had been there all along.

He was still in love with Andy, and faking it with Marlo.

He had his reasons for leaving Andy with a broken heart, and losing Jerry and seeing Nash go through something so painful had been the push he needed to let her go. Let her have the life she deserved.

The family she deserved.

Even though she would never know the real reason- he still felt like he had made the right decision.

When Sam got home, he had missed calls from Frank asking him to come in and give a statement because he had been remanded to a few days off.

He had coffee and a shower before heading over, Nash giving him the most heated stare he had ever seen as he passed their office.

But it didn't matter- as long as Andy was okay, she had a chance at a real happy ending.

*****Thanks for reading!**

**Seems like Sam's hiding something, anyone wanna guess what?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	8. Taking a Breather

**As always thanks for all you're awesomeness!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & welcome to the newbies! **

**Chapter 8- Taking a breather. **

Sam hit the Penny after spending the day at home fixing things up after giving Frank his statement.

Oliver was there too, texting the entire time they sipped on their first beer, the mood hanging over their heads quiet and somber.

"Someone special?". Sam asked eventually. Oliver's relentless tapping on his keypad was driving Sam insane, it wasn't something he had seen Oliver do often.

The smile that met him in reply was unexpected.

"Yup. Remember McNally got Zoe to came to my housewarming? But you left right?".

Sam nodded.

"McNally got her to bring the girls, and... we're talking".

Sam felt a sliver of hope run through him.

Thinking about it now, he hadn't been down here once since that night to take Oliver home. He hadn't seen Oliver come to work with a hangover every single morning either. Hadn't seen it once in fact.

"I've gotta go, we're having dinner". Oliver said slapping Sam on the shoulder before leaving him to drink alone.

Ten minutes and two beers later Nash stepped up to him wearing a grim expression.

He nodded towards the chair and she sat down in silence.

"You were a little tough on her Sam" she said after a while.

Sam nodded. He knew he had been but in that moment he had been so angry.

"She took four bullets Nash. One could have missed the vest".

"You didn't know she was wearing one did you". Nash stated it, she wasn't asking.

"I got there in time to see her go down and your reaction".

That must have been hard for her to watch considering that she lost Jerry a while ago and probably assumed that she was about to loose her best friend too.

"I saw what you looked like Sam, what you felt and you were scared".

Sam didn't look at her, he stared over the back of the bar, letting nothing captivate his gaze. Nash was calling him out on it, and he wouldn't be able to deny any of it, so he just avoided it instead.

"If you love her so much, why did you let her go? Is yesterday a part of the reason?". She was trying to understand.

"Nash". Sam said looking at her after giving her question consideration.

"She stepped in front of me, and pushed me out of the way. If she didn't, it would have been me".

Sam's tone sounded so broken, as though he wouldn't have been able to forgive himself if Andy had too see him get shot.

"I know, she told me that. But put that aside. Don't think about it, think about why she did it".

"Spur of the moment" slipped out of his mouth unfiltered.

"No Sam".

Nash was smiling at him like she thought he was a complete moron.

"Traci...". Gail suddenly yelled as a glass smashed somewhere close to them.

Nash had been at the rookie table with Collins and Peck who seemed to be a lot closer than recently. She had slipped away from them to speak to Sam.

Sam and Nash spun around to see Collins on his phone and Peck looking like something was wrong.

Traci slid off her chair and met Gail half way as she closed the distance between them.

Collins looked really panicked as he spoke into his phone like his mouth was on fire, his hand waiving around in the air.

After Peck and Nash exchanged a few words, Nash yelled out his name followed by "We gotta go" as they raced for the door.

When Sam caught up to them outside the door of the Penny, Peck was running across the parking lot towards her car, Collins still on the phone.

"Get the gun Andy, go into the bathroom and lock the door. We'll be there before he's in".

Wait, what?

Andy had a gun at home?

"Andy...".

Collins turned to face Sam as he took hold of his phone right out of his hand. Sam turned away racing for his truck, passing Peck who pulled up alongside Nash and Collins who climbed in.

"Andy?". Sam said as he got into his truck and started the engine.

"Sam?". She was crying and sounded edgy. Her tone clearly divulging fear.

"You okay?". He could hear banging and yelling in the background.

"Glass is breaking into my apartment". She whispered into Sam's ear.

He threw the truck into reverse scanning the parking lot for Peck's car. She was stuck at the entrance and couldn't pull out because she needed to turn right and the traffic wasn't clear to cross the street to the opposite side.

Sam eyed the street while listening to Andy's breathing. Putting the truck into drive, he went over the pavement, hit the horn and crossed the road. He couldn't get out if Peck was blocking the exit, and it really didn't sound like Andy had time on her side.

After all, cars had breaks right.

"Sam?".

"I'm still here. Were coming. You keep the call connected McNally".

It wasn't meant to sound like the warning it came out as, but he needed to hear her on the line while he crossed the eighteen blocks to her condo.

She was quiet, but he could still hear the banging in the background.

"Got your gun?". Sam asked calmly. He could visualize Andy nodding a small whimper the only sound she made.

"Go into the bathroom, lock the door and if anyone but me comes through that door you shoot okay?".

"Sam he's inside...". Whatever she had been about to say was cut off by a gasp and then he heard the phone clutter to the floor.

There were a range of noises in the background including a lot of yelling and Andy crying.

That made Sam step on the gas a little more, even though he was breaking about seven traffic laws right now.

"Andy?"

"Andy?".

The noise had gone quiet, but the line hadn't disconnected, so he was hoping she would answer.

But each time he called her, silence followed.

"Andy please pick up". He was practically begging, but that was all he could do right now.

"Sam?". Her voice was so weak and frail but it was the best thing he'd ever heard.

"I'm here". Sam said in relief.

"You okay?". He added seconds later. Andy was breathing heavily, she'd been putting up one hell of a fight.

Sam heard yelling and a door slam, Andy's breathing still in his ear.

"Andy talk to me".

"I'm in the bathroom".

"Stay there, I'm almost there".

The banging started again, Sam's heart pounding along with each forceful sound he heard.

"Stay on the line". He only had four blocks left to cover, but anything could happen in those four blocks.

He could hear Andy's breathing change, it became ragged and desperate in his ear.

"Got your gun?".

"Yes". Her answer sounded so small.

"Put the phone down and on speaker, aim and when the time comes you squeeze the trigger".

He briefly remembered the last time she had shot someone. It had totally screwed her up. But now she was different- she was stronger. But she still wasn't a killer.

She had the opportunity to shoot Glass already, but hadn't taken the window- because she didn't want to shoot him. She was trying to prolong the inevitable hoping that they would be there before she had to end his life.

"Andy?".

Sam heard her shuffeling around, light echoes in the confines of the bathroom.

"What's happening?". She had gone silent again.

"The doors splintering apart Sam".

Sam pulled up outside her building and parked even though he was on the wrong side of the road.

The truck door was left open, the lights on and engine idling as he leaped out and took the stairs two at a time.

He heard the shots reverberate through the hallway, as well as in his ear as he reached her broken down front door.

He dropped Collins' phone in the hallway and climbed over the splintered wood as he stepped inside very quietly.

He wasn't armed, didn't think the others were either, didn't know if Glass was armed or not. But either way, he didn't care.

Stepping inside, Sam kept his senses on high alert as he searched the room for any movement.

He knew the layout pretty well, and knew which direction the bathroom was in, but that didn't mean anything.

Sam noted the smashed lamp and broken table on the floor, Andy's blanket from her couch a few feet away from that on the floor too.

Then he saw the shoes sticking out the bathroom door as he rounded the corner; men's size ten.

Sam took a few steps closer just to make sure before calling out Andy's name as softly as he could. He didn't want to spook her while she was holding a loaded gun aimed at the doorway.

"Andy?".

She didn't answer, so Sam chanced stepping over Jake Glass who lay face down on Andy's floor, Andy coming into full view as he moved.

Sam saw her hand flinch, just a fraction; his breath stopping between his lungs and his mouth as her eyes focused on him.

"Andy, put the gun down". Sam still moved closer, his hands held out to the side to show that he meant no harm.

Andy was huddled in the far corner of the bathroom leaning against the shower's glass windows: her knees tugged up high and her wrists braced on top of them.

Her hair was ridiculously disheveled, and her face streaked with tears. She had a small streak of blood just under her hairline next to her left temple, and a bruise on her cheek. She had gone for a solid round with a guy that wasn't small in build, and compared to what Sam expected to find- Andy looked pretty good right now.

"Andy?". She hadn't moved a muscle, she just sat there staring vacantly into space like she was willing herself away from here.

Andy blinked rapidly a few times before she suddenly moved and set the gun down on the white floor tiles next to her like the cold steel had scorched her hands.

"Andy?". Collins called out above the bombardment of footsteps that echoed through Andy's condo. Miles away sirens could be heard in the distance; their loud shrills filing the night air as they drove closer.

Sam backed out the bathroom and gave Collins some space with Andy when he saw the recognition flash across her face at hearing her new partners voice.

Nash pushed past him next, a silent exhale of a held breath telling him that she was scared to death at thinking what they would find when they arrived.

Sam reached Andy's front door as Peck held back, her eyes following him as he ran a hand over his face and surveyed the damage to Andy's lounge.

"We'll never have what they have Swarek, but it's not the same kind of love".

Sam stared at her and wondered when she had become a philosopher.

"Just don't leave okay?". Peck said stepping around him and going in search of the others.

Sam made it downstairs in time to find the first cruiser pulling up.

He needed to take a breather while calming himself down, so he escaped outside into fresh air that would hopefully help him regulate his breathing again.

This close... This close to her not being here right now still breathing.

Months ago Sam thought that breaking his heart would stop this from happening, stop the fear that he would have to stand by and watch her die one day.

But six months away from her and their first meeting was as a result of her being in trouble. It resulted in a dead guy in her home while he stood out here trying to calm down before going upstairs and assaulting a dead body.

Why had he even bothered kidding himself?

The uniforms on night shift jumped into action, the medics racing upstairs as soon as their boots hit the pavement.

And still Sam stood outside Andy's building trying to deal with the onslaught of emotion he was feeling right now.

Ten minutes later the medics came out carrying a stretcher, Andy covered up to her chin with a blanket that really looked so wrong on her.

"She's okay, but they're taking her in because her ribs look a little worse and they need to check her for a concussion". Collins made a sudden appearance as Sam watched the medics lift Andy up into the back of the ambulance for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.

Sam turned to face Collins, his face held stoic as he tried to get a read as to why they were suddenly having a one sided conversation.

"They're taking her to Mercy, I think you should go see her". Collins added looking Sam in the eye.

Sam raised an eyebrow in contempt, he really wasn't in the mood to go down this road right now.

"He's right Sam, you should". Nash was there backing Army boy up, her voice drawing Sam's attention away from his heated staredown with Collins who suddenly seemed to change his opinion of Sam staying away from Andy.

"Look, you had it wrong. Andy and I are friends, that's all we'll ever be. She needs you, and while I don't like how you hurt her, you had her back tonight".

Sam shifted his gaze between Nash and Collins before seeking Peck out as she called Nash. She just shrugged at him in response.

"Sam when she asked where you went and we told her we don't know she kinda freaked out. She's trying to be your friend and after what you just did, she doesn't know if you want the same thing". Nash gave his arm a gentle squeeze before walking up to the ambulance and stepping up into the back.

Sam watched the ambulance drive away, his actions over the last two days splurged across his mind before one single word cut through the vivid images- FRIEND.

Andy was trying to be his friend.

That sounded so wrong in his head when he repeated it. Andy and friend in the same sentence.

That wasn't what he wanted.

*******Thanks for reading!**

**Hope you'll leave me your thoughts in another awesome review. **

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	9. Seeing Is Believing

**Thank you all for the awesome feedback! I appreciate each & every review!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars. & of course Stewart14!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 9- Seeing is Believing. **

Peck stood next to Collins, her arm wrapping around him in a show of affection. Who was he kidding? Andy and Collins? Never in a million years. He couldn't even fathom how he had considered that as a possibility.

"Swarek go, we've got this covered". Peck said nodding towards Andy's building still buzzing with uniforms and blue and red lights.

Collins nodded and Sam found the slight trace of a smile tug at his lips.

Maybe he should go see her, but he needed to settle something first.

When Sam arrived at the hospital he found Nash looking worried as he made his way over to her.

"I thought you weren't going to show". She mumbled, the doubtful look she had on her face slipping away.

"She asked if you were coming so I told her no, because she doesn't want to see you".

Sam nearly choked when Nash said those words, but he shouldn't have expected anything other than what he was getting. He had to admit that he was at least hoping that she would let him see her; just for five minutes to see that she was really okay.

"Sam, she's going through a tough time. She's back and there's Marlo. Then she had to deal with looking over her shoulder to make sure that Glass wasn't there".

Traci took a deep breath as she looked on as Sam hung his head in shame. He was pretty ashamed of his actions right now, but she wouldn't hold it against him.

She hadn't in the past, and she wouldn't in the future.

Sure, he had broken her friends heart and sent her running straight into a suicide mission, but he was there when she reached out to him, and he got her back when it mattered.

"Just don't hurt her again okay?" Nash gave him a hug and then left Sam in the hallway where he found her waiting for him.

Walking down the hallway Sam found Andy's room by looking through the windows until he saw her hair sprayed out across the pillow, her face turned away to face the wall behind her.

He watched her for a moment letting his eyes relay the picture to his brain that she was okay.

He took a deep breath and made his way to the door, his knuckles dusting over the wood in a light knock before he pushed it open and stepped inside the room.

Andy looked up at him just for a moment before her eyes closed again in an attempt to block the sight of him out.

He didn't say anything, but grabbed the chair at the foot end of the bed and brought it around to the side where he sat in it in silence.

If she wanted to talk, they'd talk. If she wanted to ignore him that was okay too, he'd just sit here until she was ready.

It took a while for her to acknowledge his presence, a low breath signaling that she was about to say something.

"Thank you". Her words surprised him, but they made him smile.

Sam was tempted to reach out and take her hand when more words flew out of her mouth.

"Just don't yell at me again".

That made him feel like crap.

"Andy..."

"Don't okay. I know I did something stupid but really? Are you that...". Andy clamped her mouth closed as quickly as it had opened when her brain kicked in.

"Andy, not now okay. You need to get some sleep". Sam diverted the conversation right into a dead end- this wasn't the time to hash it out.

Andy tried to hide a yawn as it took over, they had given her some stronger pain meds for her ribs and she didn't have a concussion so she would be allowed to sleep. She tried to move, attempting to roll over but only ended up sucking in a deep breath as she cringed in pain.

Sam's face creased up at watching her suffer and try and be so strong. She was brave and did a good job at faking it, but he knew her well enough to see the cracks she tried to hide from view.

"Breath Andy". Sam said leaning towards her. Her face had gone a bright shade of red as she breathed in and held it, the air filling her lungs and pressing against her swollen ribs causing more pain.

Andy let out a strangled breath, her eyes fluttering to Sam glistening with unshed tears.

Seeing that was worse than being punched in the stomach.

He couldn't stand watching her go through so much pain just because she was trying to protect him.

Giving in to temptation Sam reached out and took her hand closest to him in his, his fingers prying her clenched hand open as their skin met.

She didn't fight him on it, just willingly let him unravel her fingers.

Distraction was the first part, if her mind swayed off the pain it wouldn't be so bad, and so far he was distracting himself too by simply holding her hand.

The second part would be to get her to relax when his presence was probably a large part of her current state considering what Nash had told him.

Sam tilted Andy's hand palm up but kept it resting in his, the fingertips of his other hand running circles over her palm. His fingers worked their way up to her wrist and back down before retreating back up.

After a while Sam was tracing random patterns up to her elbow and back down to her palm along the flesh of the inside of her arm, when he noticed that her eyes had closed and her breathing began to regulate. She was drifting off to sleep and found his touch soothing.

He watched Andy sleep for a while, his hands both eventually resting over hers. He was content to just sit there and watch her, but knew that it would only last for now.

Later, it would be gone again.

When he left Andy's condo, he had headed over to Marlo's just to clarify where they stood. Sure she had been pissed about finding him at the hospital when Andy got shot, but they didn't end things clearly. So he went to make sure.

He expected that she would still be mad, but she wasn't. She told him that she understood, and that they had fun but there wasn't really a point in them carrying on with whatever it was they were trying to fool themselves into.

When Sam told her about Andy, she was genuinely concerned, but told Sam that he was wasting time trying to explain things to her when he should be with Andy.

It felt like a large portion of the burden he had been carrying was lifted, but he knew that the hardest part was still too come.

When he was sure that she wouldn't wake up, he gave her hand a light squeeze before extracting his hands from hers. He brushed the hair out of her face and bent down to kiss her forehead before leaving for the night.

Andy woke up to the smell of Sam surrounding her.

His freshly showered scent mingled with coffee invading her nose as she inhaled and sighed in contentment.

When here eyes fluttered open everything came rushing back and her smile turned to a frown as she remember everything up until how she landed up in this hospital bed.

"Andy?".

How could Traci be so cheery so early in the morning? It was just soooo wrong.

"Hey, how are you feeling?".

"The honest version, or the nice version?". Andy grumbled out, her voice cracking as she spoke.

"That bad huh?".

Andy nodded, she felt worse than she had yesterday.

"So, they're letting you go, but..."

Andy didn't even want to hear the rest of that sentence.

"We can't find you a front door".

What? Doors were a standard size. Yes she had a heavy wooden door, more of the sturdy expensive kind but seriously? Any hardware store would have one.

"Why not?".

"Did you know that your front door is a special order because it's a weird size?".

No, no no! This could not be happening.

"Traci what aren't you telling me?".

"Um... Okay, so I've moved and it's kinda cramped. Your dad moved so that's a no go, so what are we going to do with you until we get you a new door?".

The breakfast trolley arrived and Andy smiled at knowing she was about to get coffee. She would however forgo the food until she got- wherever.

"Nick's?". Then she remembered that his apartment had just been painted. Nick and Gail were staying at Gail's and that was the size of a matchbox.

"I'll get a motel, there's that nice one on..."

That damned smell was still lingering in the room, flaunting itself under her nose. He had been in here before she woke, she wasn't dreaming it.

"How do you do that?". Traci whispered when she saw recognition in Andy's eyes.

She had a front row seat viewing the entirety of the Sam/Andy saga since it started.

She had been witness to their chemistry, and their fire and had even watched them burn to ashes.

But still, the flames between the two flickered, and they each had this sixth sense when it came to the other. Andy knew that Sam had been in here recently.

"When did he leave?". Andy said trying to sit up and have her coffee.

"When you started smiling in your sleep".

"Funny".

"Cut him some slack okay, he's trying Andy".

That remark earned her a glare over the rim of Andy's coffee cup.

"Sorry, that was harsh but really? You need to let it go".

Andy nearly dropped her coffee all over herself in an attempt to put the cup down quickly.

"Don't say a word. Just hear me out?".

Andy's mouth was moving to offer a response when traci hushed her.

"This push and pull? It needs to stop. It's hurting you both. Yes, you took four bullets to protect him, but maybe tell him why you did it so that he can understand.

I saw him when you got shot Andy, and I saw him when he heard Glass was trying to kill you, and trust me; he was not taking it very well".

Andy almost rolled her eyes at Traci's description of Sam yelling at her like he did. She made it sound all sugar coated.

"You need to forgive him for what he did Andy, yes he was wrong; but so where you. You know that just after Jerry and I got engaged, he was watching you two one day, and I asked him why it made him smile so much. He said, 'You know they're next right'. He really believed it would happen, and seeing you guys now- that hurts me.

I know I'm selfish, but you're both here, but you're so far apart. I just want my best friend back because since you and Sam broke up you're not you anymore".

Sam stopped just outside the door when he heard Nash's broken words. She was having a tough time dealing with their issues because she was stuck in the middle as a spectator.

"Trace, he broke my heart. He completely destroyed what I felt, and he screwed with my head, and I ..."

"You?".

Just as Andy was about to answer Sam came into view in the doorway carrying decent coffee and a bag that smelled ridiculously delicious. Hospital food just didn't cut it in her books.

"Okay, so I'm gonna go, I'll see you later". Traci leaned in and gave Andy a soft hug ignoring her questioning looks. She passed Sam, grabbed the coffee he held out and left them alone in a awkward silence filled with tension.

Sam held back a little, his eyes taking in her appearance.

He eventually snapped out of it and walked over to Andy, handing her a coffee.

She tried to smile when she took it, but her heart wasn't really in it. Her lips curved up, but her eyes stayed dull.

Sam sipped on his own coffee, taking a seat in the chair that was still next to her bed.

Andy's head suddenly flipped towards him, her eyes wide as she just stared at him shaking her head. "No, uh-hu".

"Andy...".

"No! Not happening Sam. I'll just...".

"It's just..." Sam started, but she cut him off.

"Not happening. No way!".

How could Traci pull a fast one on her like this? Traci had obviously spoken to Sam about it while she was still comatose.

Sam let out a frustrated sigh. Andy was so damned stubborn.

There wasn't really much of a choice right now, her door would be installed in four days time so until then a makeshift door had been put up but it was not secure. It was merely a visual deterrent.

Nash had actually asked him if he thought Marlo would have a problem with it after explaining that the only other option was a motel.

Sam hadn't hesitated in answering although it wasn't quite how he pictured things turning out.

"No Sam, that's just going to make things awkward, and Marlo is not going to like it".

"Andy, Marlo's not your problem to worry about. My house, my rules".

That sounded like a part of a TO speech 'My car my rules'.

"Sam I don't want to get in the way or make things harder for you".

Like having her in his house, but not his wasn't going to be hard already.

"Andy it's been decided and that is all there is too it".

Andy was gaping at him, her brows furrowed in distaste. She really felt trapped right now with no other option available.

This was not happening!

How could they expect her to stay at Sam's until her new door arrived? Were they insane? Had they forgotten the history between her and Sam, and that Marlo was in the picture now?

"It just doesn't feel right". Andy mumbled.

Sam had forgotten that Nash had said Andy was trying to be friends and that he wasn't cooperating. So he was going to try.

"Andy, I'm trying to be a friend here. It doesn't have to feel right to happen, because it's going to happen".

Andy had the urge to scoff at his answer. She had extended the friendship card a few times to have Sam snuff his nose up at it like it wasn't good enough.

He had done the same, and she had refused to accept it, so they were just moving in circles.

And now he was extending the same hand again and she just didn't know if she wanted to face that; that was all they would be- Friends.

She also didn't want to get in between him and Marlo when it was so clear that she was what he wanted and that he was happy.

Andy also noticed Sam's possessive tone. It was one that didn't break, that wouldn't give in. It was useless to try and argue with him, because that tone told her that she wouldn't win.

"Ready to go?".

Andy slid off the bed her eyes settling on two bags next to the bed. Her bags.

Traci was in so much trouble right now.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	10. Don't Run & Hide

**Wow you guys are amazing! Thank you all for the awesome reviews! **

**Thanks to kelly2727 & thge regulars! Welcome to the newbies! **

**Chapter 10- Don't Run & Hide. **

Andy took almost an hour to get changed into clothes that Traci had packed for her and to sign out, the nurse bungling her into a wheelchair and pushing her to the front door as soon as she was done; because it was hospital policy.

Sam grabbed her bags when she had finished dressing and brushing her teeth, she skipped a shower for now because she didn't want to keep Sam waiting any longer.

Andy looked up when the nurse pushed her outside into the warm sunshine, to find Sam waiting right outside the entrance next to his truck with the door already open.

Andy stood up carefully and made her way over to Sam thanking the nurse for bring her out. Sam helped Andy up into the truck, her face showing the slight traces of pain that movement still caused.

When Sam pulled up outside his house Andy looked nervous.

He silently cursed the world for this moment before getting out and going to open the front door.

He came back and helped Andy down before letting her go and allowing her to walk into the house on her own two feet.

When she was safely tucked away inside he retrieved her bags from the truck and closed the front door behind himself. He took her bags to the spare room and set then down before going in search of her.

He found her standing around looking everywhere rather awkwardly.

"Sit down". Sam didn't intend to grunt it out, but he did.

Andy sat down without saying a word, Sam going to get her a bottle of water.

He had bought her a toasted sandwich at the coffee shop this morning which she ate just before they left, so she was sorted on breakfast.

Andy took the water and mumbled a 'thank you' before standing up abruptly, turning red and heading straight for the guest room.

Sam heard the door close and let out a frustrated sigh. This was going to be a lot harder than he had even imagined.

By one pm Andy was still missing, so he made her a salad and found himself knocking on the door waiting for an answer.

When she answered Sam heard the sleep still clutching her voice.

Great, now he'd woken her up and she really needed to sleep. But she needed to eat too.

When he opened the door Sam found her propped up on the pillows a subtle smile reaching out to him when she saw him carrying a plate of food and a glass of juice.

Sam set them down on the bedside table and managed a smile of his own.

"Thanks, you didn't have too...".

"You've got to eat, the meds are probably strong". Sam had yet to move away, but he was quite content to just stand there. Content to aimlessly mill around for no apparent reason.

"Don't you have to go to work?". Andy said sitting up really slowly.

"Nope, I um...". She was so not going to like the rest of his sentence.

He didn't need to finish it though, he saw the recognition of what he was trying to say flash across her face.

He had been remanded to a few days off because of the shooting, and then had off days in between.

"I'm sorry Sam..."

"It's not your fault, besides I like...".

Almost a major mistake on his part, but he managed to stop himself just in time.

Andy looked up at him like she found it amusing that he was having trouble not letting this get awkward right now.

"I'm gonna...". He didn't have a clue what he was going to do, but he needed to get out of here so he just walked out the door when she nodded.

Sam did the same for dinner, took Andy some lasagna and more juice. He had taken her water during the day too, but never saw any inclination on her part to leave the spare room.

She didn't say much either time he was around so he left it alone and didn't hover.

Sam grabbed a shower a little after eight pm and returned to the couch to watch some TV in the hopes of getting his brain to tire out so that he could get some sleep.

A few minutes after he sat down he heard Andy's feet carrying her closer until he saw her freeze up when she caught sight of him watching her over the back of the couch.

"Sorry" she mumbled and turned away.

"Andy". Sam said standing up.

She stopped and turned back to face him, her face creased up like she felt as if she was intruding.

"Don't run and hide?". The words came out hinting at a wide span of topics, hinting at life in general; but he hoped that it would just sound like he meant it now.

She just wanted a glass of water, she was thirsty. She hadn't planned on running into him, although they were in his house so it was really likely that she would.

She had spent the day staring at the ceiling and sleeping. Then staring at the ceiling some more.

Her mind had thought over Traci's words and then it had instructed her heart to suppress all the feelings that she suddenly found bubbling back to the surface.

"Just don't run".

Sam's voice caught her off guard, it sounded like he was finding it hard to have her here.

Andy found herself nodding in agreement, not that he was asking a yes no answering kind of question.

Sam stood watching Andy hover in the hallway, when she was getting ready to leave again. He really didn't want her to go anywhere right now.

He'd spent the day wishing that he had the guts to just walk into the spare room, wake her up and say everything that he suddenly found himself wanting too say. He just didn't know how well she would take any of it.

"Can we talk?". His words surprised himself as he asked the question while shifting around nervously. They had the same effect on Andy too, her face slipping a little as she tried to decide if she wanted to do this or not.

She moved a little closer, before holding her finger up for Sam to give her a minute.

She came back from the kitchen with a glass of water already half empty.

Sam watched her loiter around uncomfortably when she came back.

He made the rash decision to just close his eyes and jump the second he saw her standing there. He just couldn't deal with this the way it was anymore.

"Want to sit?". Sam said breaking the silence, but Andy shook her head from side to side.

"You can just... Say it?".

She was defensive but he understood why.

"I'm sorry".

"Sam I get it okay, it was a stupid move. No-one wants to have someone do what I did, and I'm sorry".

Andy was talking about the shooting, he on the other hand was talking about everything.

"About everything". Sam said, this time his voice stronger.

He knew that one of the reasons that they had such a hard time the first time around was because he didn't talk. He didn't say what he was thinking, or feeling and he didn't explain things. It left her to make assumptions that were way off. So by starting this right now, he had too talk.

"Me too Sam". Andy moved too leave again thinking that he had; had his say when he hadn't even started yet.

"I'm not done Andy". Oh right, like saying that wasn't looking for trouble.

"I mean, I have more too say". He added when she turned and gave him a glare. "Sit down please?".

This could take a while and he didn't want her to feel more uncomfortable from standing too long.

Andy obeyed his request and sat down. When he sat down next to her she eyed him like she was literally about to fall apart.

"I'm sorry about all of it, what I said, what I did. What I didn't say".

Andy looked down at her glass of water, making Sam wonder if she would listen too the rest of what he had too say if she wouldn't even look at him.

"I screwed up, and I made a mistake that wasn't really a mistake, but you needed to move on".

Her expression when she looked up at him made his heart break a little more than it already was. She was misreading what he was saying completely.

"Me and you, that's all I'm talking about".

That did nothing to change the sadness on her face.

This really was much harder than he thought it would be.

"When I saw you go down it was like everything else just didn't exist anymore, like nothing else mattered in that moment. And I don't want to go through that again".

Andy held her glass out to Sam who took it knowing that she wanted him too put it down for her. She couldn't stretch out to put it down on the coffee table across from them on her own.

But she still didn't get it because he wasn't clear enough.

"I thought that walking away would make it easier, that if I moved on, it would make me forget, but it didn't. It only made me miss you more, and remember everything that I was missing out on".

Andy sucked in a loud breath, a tiny amount of understanding flashing over her face even though it was still heavily guarded.

"Sam... This isn't just on you, it was me too".

"Nope, this was me; if I didn't walk away then we wouldn't need to have this conversation".

Well at least they had moved on from blaming the other, too blaming themselves.

"Why did you walk away? I still don't get it Sam. All you had to say was that you needed time and space. I know that loosing Jerry was hard on you, but did you have to push me away completely?".

Andy finally got the question that had been haunting her for nearly ten months out into the open. The question that had plagued her mind since that day up until this minute- one that no matter how many times she had thought about it; she didn't have an answer.

"Andy...". Her name came out in warning, she was crossing into dangerous territory and that was not where he wanted to go right now.

Andy picked up on it and stood up off the couch awkwardly, Sam's hands automatically flying out to help her up as he found his own feet.

She flinched away from his touch like his fingers had burnt her, a weak "Just...don't" uttered from her mouth.

"It wasn't about Jerry". The words were bitten out louder than he intended to have them come out.

Andy's mind jumped through hoops when she heard that, her face telling him that she knew it was about her.

"Yes, it was about you". This time his voice was much softer, Andy shrinking back as he openly admitted that she was the reason that he broke up with her.

"But, it's not what you think".

Andy's eyes were all sparkley, tears dancing in them as she stared at him in shock.

"It wasn't because of you Andy, it was for you".

That explanation did absolutely nothing to erase the deep cutting words that he had flung out there from her mind. In actual fact it caused her more confusion, he could see it.

"What?". Andy couldn't even comprehend what he was saying right now, it made no sense to her at all. "How can you stand there and say that? How can you even think that pushing me away would be best for me Sam?".

Her voice had risen, her temper trampling down all other emotions that she was feeling.

"What was the real reason Sam? Wasn't it enough, or was it too much? Was I too much? Were you tired of having to look out for me, have my back? And just for the record- I didn't Want to be here now, that wasn't my choice! If it's that bad I'll go to a motel like I wanted too in the beginning. And if I have to I'll transfer to another division so you and poster-girl for SWAT don't have too worry about stepping on my toes anymore".

Wow, she was really mad, but she was still hurting too. More than Sam would admit too seeing her show before now.

But her passion was nowhere near gone, her words fired out with so much raw emotion that he knew that she meant every word of it. She would take off now, and she would take a transfer. And it sounded like she really thought that it would make him happy; thought that if she ran he would feel better. Be happier.

But her threats weren't empty threats, they weren't ultimatums, they were promises. He just felt it in his gut, knew that she would never say anything that she wouldn't make good on.

She was basically telling him that sooner rather than later- she would be gone, erased from his life like her presence in it had been inconsequential.

So he said the only thing that would get through to her as he watched her walk back towards the guest room. He said the only thing that he knew would stop her from leaving right now, and never coming back.

He told her the truth, one that he couldn't cover up with a lame excuse or a stupid joke, because this was just something that could never be changed.

*******thanks for reading!**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	11. Hopeless

**As always thank you all for your awesomeness! I love reading all your reviews, Pm's & tweets!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & all the regulars!**

**Chapter 11- Hopeless. **

"I can't have kids Andy".

And just like he figured it would- it made her freeze right where she stood in his hallway.

But she didn't turn around, didn't dare look at him. And wouldn't allow him too see her either.

He could hear their breathing over the silence in the room, both having left themselves and each other breathless after their respective rants.

Whatever Andy had been expecting was nothing compared to what she heard. Never in a million years had she anticipated anything remotely even close to that coming out of his mouth.

And it hurt way more than anything else he could have said.

Andy felt her lungs draw in a long, shaky breath as her tears finally broke free; one daring to betray her attempts to stay strong.

Without even thinking about it, she took a small step away, followed by another and another until she was confined in the safety of the spare room- a closed door between her and Sam.

Sam had no idea how she would react, what kind of response there would be. But when she walked away, it was like every single fear he had about telling her the truth suddenly became a reality.

Back then, when they were a Them, and not just a Sam and an Andy, she had him thinking about the 'more' that there was too life.

It wasn't conscious thoughts, it was dreams and goal, ideals for the future.

Things he suddenly found himself wanting for the first time.

Kids, marriage, a life with someone.

Then he went for a standard check up and asked the doctor to check up on that because he just wanted to nullify any doubts in his own mind.

He wasn't sure how to feel when he heard that there wouldn't be a more in his life. It was a few days before Jerry died, and when that happened Sam found himself wondering what the point of more was when this was how life turned out.

He watched Nash crumble and that was just too much for him to bare so he took a step back, followed by another and another until Andy was completely out of reach.

In the days that followed he decided to keep himself a safe distance from her until it all came crashing down and there wasn't a them anymore. The more he had thought about it, the more it felt like he was making the right decision because he felt like he was taking it away from her, felt like she deserved motherhood more than any woman he had ever met. So he kept doing it, kept convincing himself that it had too be done until he saw her holding onto the grenade.

That changed his perspectives drastically.

In that moment, he chose having her in his life with any other option that there was when it came to having children filling their house one day.

Whatever she wanted, she could have- adoption, a surrogate, sperm donor, whatever it took.

But things didn't work out that way, he asked for a drink to explain everything but instead she left and he made a futile attempt to forget her and what he felt.

He heard the door close, and found himself wondering if he had told her months ago if there would have been a different outcome to her knowing. A different reaction.

He suddenly found himself wondering if the feint traces of hurt that he had seen in her eyes over recent weeks even had anything to do with him; even though he had seen it creep into her orbs only when she looked directly at him.

He wondered if he had gone so far as too really destroying every last morsel of feeling she had ever had for him, and if she had stopped feeling anything for him at all. He even wondered if he had made the right decision then, and was making the mistake now, not the other way around like it felt.

He never expected her to walk away after he said that. Never.

Seconds after he heard her close the door, he heard her yank it open again. He began mentally preparing himself to see her clutching both her bags at any minute, willing to walk out of his life without even so much as a backwards glance in his direction.

"You are so stupid" she whispered out between tears as she stopped on the other side of the lounge, Sam still rooted to the spot where she left him standing.

Sam's focus snapped to her hands to find them empty, relief being pushed away at the lack of bags in her hands. Just because she wasn't holding them didn't mean that she wasn't leaving.

"I know". Sam said, his jaw clenching as soon as he closed his mouth again.

"How can you just throw that out there now Sam? Why couldn't you have said something when it could have made a difference?".

"Would it have?". He countered almost immediately. He just needed to know if it would have or not, even though they'd never know for sure.

"What?". Andy's voice quavered in answer, like she wanted to deflect from answering.

"If I had told you then, would it have made a difference? Would it have mattered?".

Andy looked away, she couldn't answer that question either, or she just didn't want too because she thought he might not like the answer.

"I didn't think so". Sam hurled out, regretting it as soon as it left his mouth, his voice now revealing his true anguish.

"No! No. You don't get to do this okay. Not now". Andy yelled in reply shocking Sam. He'd only ever heard her yell when a suspect ran, or when she needed help. Then, it had never been that emotional.

"Then when Andy? When will you let me tell you that I made a mistake by thinking that it would be easier to walk away, to let you have a life you deserved without complicating things for you".

"All you had to do was tell me! You made a selfish decision Sam, one for yourself. You never let me have a say in the matter. Why couldn't you tell me then?". She was still mad, her voice fierce as more pain pulled through her side as she got worked up.

"Because I was taking that away from you. Because you would never get to have the family you should have, and you don't deserve that".

Sam was back to whispering, his need to yell seeping away as he watched Andy become more upset than angry again.

Once again Sam managed to tear her hear apart with a few simple words.

"There are other options Sam, but I guess that you know that already don't you".

It didn't take a genius to figure out what she was hinting it, she probably found out about Megan and put one and one together to get thirty-six.

Sam had looked away when she said that, so when he mumbled "You've got it all wrong" and looked up, he found himself talking to an empty room.

He found the spare room door open, Andy's bags tossed onto the bed as she threw everything from the bathroom on top of the bed with one hand while she held her phone to her ear with the other.

Sam leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arm's watching her make ten trips to the bathroom and back to move six items with one hand.

"So you're running again?". He really should learn to talk when it mattered and to shut up when he should.

"Trace hang on". She mumbled into the phone before pulling the phone away from her ear when she spun to face him. She was furious now, beyond pissed off.

"How dare you. You can't drop all that on me now and expect me to understand Sam. You have a girlfriend, and I shouldn't even be here. I knew that this was a mistake, that I shouldn't have come here but you guys wouldn't listen. Does she even know I'm here?".

Andy looked so beautiful in that moment that Sam nearly lost all his shit completely.

She was defiant, her face tinted in pink as she let her blood pressure escalate, it wasn't a blush but he loved it when she blushed; and this was as close as he was going to get right now.

"Andy...". But she wouldn't listen. She turned away and put her phone to her ear before saying "You need to come get me now".

She knew that she wasn't handling this really well, but seriously? It was all too much.

She got shot, hit four times, Sam yelled at her, and the she got attacked at home and had to take a life because in that moment it was his or hers. She ended up where she did not want too be, and had the worlds biggest bombshell dropped on her- all in thirty-six hours.

Did he expect her to handle it well?

Twenty minutes later Traci pulled up outside Sam's house and found Andy on Sam's front steps with her bags at her feet.

Sam was standing behind Andy who refused to look at him, his face void of any emotion.

Traci got out of the car and headed for Andy knowing that something had happened. She heard what Andy told Sam, and from her tone when she told her to come get her, she wasn't herself.

Traci looked between Sam and Andy, her heart breaking for them. She scooped Andy's bags up when she reached her noticing that Andy was really pale, and clutching her side.

Sam didn't move, just leaned against the doorframe watching them.

"You sure?". Traci whispered, just wanting to make sure that Andy knew what she was doing, that she wanted to leave.

"I'm sure". Andy however really didn't care who heard her answer.

Minutes later they were driving away, Traci still seeing Sam on his doorstep as he watched them drive away, in her rear view mirror.

"You okay?".

Andy debated using the usual 'fine' to answer but when she looked up at Traci she couldn't. "No".

"Want to tell..."

"No Traci I don't. I'm sorry but this... I... I don't even know anymore. This is hard on you and I'm sorry. I just don't want to make it worse".

Andy was mumbling words that her brain didn't even understand right now.

Traci stared at Andy before focusing on the road, whatever Sam had said or done was really bad if Andy shut down completely.

Sam stood outside for a while for no reason at all.

He looked up and down the dark street, looked up at the sky, searched for the moon but didn't find it and left his mind to become a total blank.

When he made it inside he grabbed a beer and sat down immediately feeling his house feel empty now that she was gone.

He should be used to it by now.

Replaying the words and emotions that had been thrown around Sam cursed himself for doing this now.

But he had just so desperately wanted to make things better.

He should have waited, given her time, been her friend. Let her find out about Marlo on her own. He should have waited. It was what he'd always done- for her.

Now he was just waiting for nothing.

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	12. Taking Charge

**You guys are the best across all fandoms! How are you all enjoying Season 4 so far?**

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews & to kelly2727 & the regulars! Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 12- Taking Charge. **

Andy went back to Traci's and stayed there for the night without talking about what happened anymore. She just couldn't bring her mind to entertain a single thought in that direction; it crushed her too much.

After Jerry died Traci had moved to a smaller two bedroom apartment across town. Her mom was still with her, and Andy always found it like being welcomed home when she stopped by.

Traci left for work early the next morning, taking Leo to school when she left.

Andy had been awake for most of the night, unable to sleep as a torrent of emotion lay down on her and started squeezing the life out of her.

When Traci left she got up to find Mrs Nash making them breakfast. She ate a little, forcing the food down, she really didn't have an appetite but didn't want to offend Mrs Nash because she wasn't holding together.

Mrs Nash came and said goodbye a while later, she had a bookclub meeting so Andy would be alone for most of the day.

When Mrs Nash left Andy grabbed a shower and tugged on fresh clothes. She had taken a shower at Sam's just after lunch yesterday and suddenly found her thoughts drifting back over everything as soon as she thought about showering.

Arg, life was just so damned hard and complicated and so not worth it.

After her shower Andy scribbled Traci a note, called a cab and grabbed her bags before closing the door behind her.

She decided to stay at a motel until her door was fixed, she needed to think and didn't want to upheave Traci's life any more.

Sam spent most of the night staring at the ceiling and then getting another beer against his better judgment.

He had never been a big drinker, he'd seen too may cops loose themselves to the bottle so he refrained from letting himself slip.

When it was a decent hour he called Nash and asked how Andy was knowing that she'd be on her last shift before she had days off.

Nash was okay at first, until she suddenly just went really quiet and didn't hang up. "What did you do Sam?". She asked after a while telling him that Andy hadn't told her anything.

The only answer he had was "I screwed up" before disconnecting the call.

Putting his pride in his pocket hours later, Sam drove over to Nash's apartment and knocked but didn't get an answer so he left again.

He stopped at the store on the way home just to pass time when Nash called him with a weird question. "Have you um... Seen Andy or heard from her?" Nearly making his heart stop.

"I thought she was with you?".

"No Sam I left her at home and came home for lunch but she's gone, just left a note saying that she's gone to a motel and she'll call but her phones off".

Damn it!

Sam didn't even answer, he just hung up and left the store.

Driving from motel too motel in the sweltering heat wasn't how he had planned on spending his day, but he would keep doing it until he found her. He started with the ones closest to Nash's showing the clerks a photo of Andy that was still on his phone. That turned out empty.

Next were the ones closest to her own condo, but that was the same- a waste of time.

He tried calling her a few times but her phone was still off.

He was starting to get frustrated.

He called Nash and she still hadn't heard from Andy either.

By nightfall Sam was starting to panic, his mind conjuring up all sorts of reasons why her phone was still off.

But he wasn't going to give up and leave her to stay in a crappy motel for the next three days while nursing a bad injury.

Andy switched her phone on and found plenty of missed calls from Traci, Sam and one from her dad.

She called her dad first and told him that she was okay, he was away with his girlfriend. They went to visit her sister somewhere and he hadn't stopped calling since Traci called him and told him that she had been shot but was totally fine.

Next she called Traci knowing that this time she was the one in serious trouble.

Of course she was right when Traci answered the call by saying "McNally you had better be calling me to come and get you right now". Traci only ever called her McNally when she was knee deep in trouble.

"Hi".

"Where are you, are you okay? Why was your phone off?".

"I'm okay, I just needed some quiet time and fell asleep".

"Andy, you scared us".

"Us?".

"Sam's looking for you".

That didn't make her feel any better.

"Tell him not too I'm fine right where I am".

"Andy please talk to me, if you don't want to talk then come over". Traci sounded like she was ready too beg.

"Trace...hang on, someone's at the door".

Andy opened the door to find Sam standing on the other side, looking like he was ready to strangle her.

"Trace I'm gonna have to call you back".

"He found you didn't he". Traci giggled into her ear. She knew that he would. He had a 'McNally radar' and it had never failed.

Andy hung up and gave Sam the evil eye, or at least tried too. His cold stare made hers break within seconds.

"What the hell are you doing?". Sam used every ounce of self control that he possessed to say that as calmly as he could. He really didn't want to freak her out all over again, he'd done enough of that.

"Sleeping. I spent the day sleeping". Not that she thought it was any of his business, but she answered anyway.

Sam's eyes narrowed a little as he took in her sarcastic answer, it struck a nerve.

"What are you doing here?".

"Picking you up".

She did not like that answer. So she would hate the rest even more.

"I've checked you out, so get your stuff we're leaving".

Andy's mouth dropped open, her face regaining it's controlled expression as she looked at him in bewilderment.

"No".

"McNally either you get it, or I will. Then I will come back for you".

Andy stepped back even though Sam hadn't moved. His tone was so low and so full of promise that she knew he wasn't kidding. They were leaving.

Half an hour later Sam pulled up outside his house, Andy getting out of the truck and slamming the door closed.

She had been quiet the entire drive over here, sulking in her seat, staring out the window.

Sam took her bags out the back of his truck and opened the front door for her before stepping aside and letting her walk in first.

He in turn refrained from slamming the front door closed not wanting to retaliate the same way. Although he was itching too.

"Sit". He said pointing to the couches before they even moved into the lounge properly.

Andy rolled her eyes, but obeyed the command and sat down, Sam dropping her bags to the floor before pacing the lounge in long strides.

Andy watched Sam, the tension tolling off him in electrifying sparks.

"Don't do that okay? Don't just disappear". He finally said showing signs of calming down.

Andy was having a hard time adjusting to his sudden flips between moods, he was so mad one minute, then so soft and gentle the next.

"I didn't".

"Andy, no-one knew where you were. Your phone was off and your ribs are still badly injured".

"Sam, I'm okay". She wanted too add 'I can look after myself' but decided against it. She really actually couldn't.

"I left a note".

"But you didn't say where you were going".

"I didn't know then". Andy really tried too keep the annoyance out of her voice. "It doesn't matter".

"Yes it does. When will you start getting that?". At least he wasn't yelling.

"Sam, I went to a motel and slept the whole day. I'm fine. Why does it even matter to you?".

"Because I want you in one piece".

Sam said the words knowing that they had a double meaning, but she wouldn't get that.

Then again looking at her face, she just might have.

"Why?".

Sam ran a hand over his face and weighed up the different ways that he could answer that question.

He could come right out and admit the real reason or he could sugar coat it and tie it up in ribbons.

He went with the former.

"Because I want you back".

*******thanks for reading! Is it just me or is my Sam more of a take charge kinda Sam?**

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	13. Only You

**Hello again, as always big thank you!**

**Shout out to all the regulars, kelly2727 & Rookie Blue South Africa on Facebook! **

**Welcome to the newbies. **

**Chapter 13- Only You. **

Andy was shaking her head, her eyes squeezed closed as she refused to even let that thought or those words make sense to her.

"What... Why... You...". When she tried to say something it came out as a jumble of incoherent words that didn't formulate anything really.

"Surprised?".

That was just asking for trouble. Andy's eyes flashing with more heat than he had seen in them in a while.

"Just let me talk okay? Don't run, don't get mad".

Sam moved closer too her, stopping just in front of the coffee table before sitting down on it and facing her.

"This whole me and you, it wasn't something I knew how to handle so I handled it badly and screwed up.

When you left I was mad, but I understood Andy, I got why you left. And I'm proud of you for taking the opening even though I prayed a little everyday that you were still alive and still okay wherever you were".

Sam took a breather, let his mind formulate his next sentence carefully.

"When you came back I was trying to fool myself into believing that it wasn't you, that it could be anyone but the longer you were back the less I believed it".

Andy's eyes were blinking rapidly and her lip caught between her teeth in an action so familiar that Sam reached out a finger to rest it against her lip so that she wouldn't try and eat it.

"When you got shot I knew that it was only you, would only ever be you; or rather I admitted it too myself. It's always been there, I was just denying it".

Sam took another deep breath and looked away just for a second before looking back at Andy. His finger had traced over her lip and down her chin where he held on to it by letting his hand spray out over her cheek.

"When I found out that I couldn't have kids it felt wrong to keep you from having a family so I tried to let you go so that you could have what you deserve. The one thing I want most, is the one thing I can never give you. Losing Jerry was just a cover".

Sam hated himself for letting her think that he had ever blamed her for Jerry's death when he really didn't.

"When I told you that I love you when you were holding the grenade I meant it, I had no idea how that was going to turn out but I needed you too know. When we walked out of there and I tried to cover it up in the locker room; I thought that you didn't feel the same way anymore, that you hated me so I let it go with a lame joke to hide how much that hurt".

Sam was in awe of Andy right now, the way she sat silently hanging on to his every word like their souls were talking rather than his mouth talking too her ears.

Her eyes were flickering with so many things that they changed color, from a speckled brown to a golden hue, to so dark they almost looked black.

"If you came to the Penny that night I would have told you everything, I would have taken you somewhere and told you all of it. I would have waited too see how you reacted to know if there was anything left to salvage. If there wasn't and you had stayed I would have started all over again to make you feel the way you did, no matter how long it took me too get us there again".

Andy was still staring at Sam speechless, he had managed to render her completely and undeniably shocked.

"Wh... What about Marlo Sam?".

Andy listened to every word that Sam had just said, but one nagging thought burnt the back of her brain until it flew over her lips as she pulled back and out of Sam's reach.

He knew that he'd have to tread over this someday, but it wasn't something to hide.

"That was me trying to convince myself that I could be happy, that there was more out there than just being alone and missing you and hating myself. It wasn't meant to evolve into anything other than what it was".

Andy's brows furrowed together, her face revealing her disliking to his explanation.

"I didn't sleep with her". There that should settle the whole Marlo issue.

"Sam!". She yelled at him, her eyes pinching closed as her face turned to mortified.

But he wasn't sorry that the had said it so bluntly. It was straight to the point, the honest truth and would ultimately settle any doubts she had.

"You wanted to know".

"That I did not need to know okay. That is none of my business". Andy was still scowling at him.

"I wanted you too know that, need you to know that it wasn't what it might have looked like. That we're... That's over".

His honesty broke the spell, the bitter-sweet moment moving to one tinged with a mixture of tension and uneasiness.

"What changed your mind, between wanting me then and wanting me now?". Andy broke the silence looking for answers to more questions.

"You did".

"Having you and not having you is worlds apart, and I'd rather have you than not have you even if it means that I have to keep my options open".

Andy's mind was spinning away, Sam could see it as she let the possibilities run rampant. He hadn't given her a direct answer but she had figured out more or less what he was getting at.

"Andy, I should have told you then and I'm sorry I didn't, more sorry than you'll ever know. But I want this, I want you even if that means that telling you this now, that there is the chance that you will walk away and never come back because being with me means no kids ever. It means no family and that's just a chance I'm willing to take because I know it's still there. That you still feel something, I just don't know what or if it's enough to make you give me a chance.

That night at Oliver's housewarming I wanted to tell you, I would have told you if you had been around long enough. When I saw that look in your eye and when you ran I knew it was there, but after that I started doubting it again.

I got scared so I backed off and let it go until you got shot".

"So, back then you thought that I'd walk away when I found out? That's what your saying?".

When Andy asked him that Sam knew that he was facing her refusal to let him anywhere remotely close to her when he answered that question.

But it was time to be honest, time to stop hiding.

"You're young Andy, you've got...".

"Answer the question Sam".

"Yeah okay, I thought that you might". Okay, so he had just said that because she had asked and it was true. He did think that. Then.

His words stung, made her heart stop beating for a split second. Did he really think that little of her and what she felt for him.

"Andy, I know how you feel about family okay, then I thought that you might walk away because it was something you'd always want that you couldn't have. It was my defense mechanism, my self preservation kicking in.

Now I know that I was wrong, you wouldn't have walked away if I'd told you then".

Andy huffed out a breath and looked down at her hands as they pulled on each other.

Sam's hand came in to view as it covered hers, making her look back up at him.

"What changed you mind?".

Sam looked to her ribs before looking back at her face, he didn't need to tell her.

Her getting shot told him that, her pushing him out of the way told him that. And knowing that she would have done the same even if she hadn't been wearing her vest told him that.

"And now? Still think I'm going to walk away?". Andy slid her hands out from under Sam's as she asked him the question. She had no idea what she was doing, but either way he was talking and she just didn't want him to stop.

"I don't know Andy, you tell me".

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	14. Promises

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**Chapter 14- Promises. **

Sam pulled his hands back into his own lap and waited for an answer.

Andy was looking everywhere but at him, the silence drawing out into a slow agonizing death.

It was torture.

Andy didn't know how to answer his question, she still had the fight or flee feeling- and had mixed feelings about what she really felt.

Sam had been brutally honest with her, and made his intentions abundantly clear- but could she let him in?

The whole time they had been here talking, Sam was talking and she was listening. Maybe she should do some talking of her own while her mind and heart wrestled over her decision.

"I can't do this all over again Sam". Great, that's what she came up with?

Watching Sam she saw a range of horror on different levels cross his face as he looked at her and started nodding trivially almost like he wasn't registering what she was saying.

Replaying her words Andy realized what it came out sounding like and that was so far from the truth that she didn't need more time to decide what she wanted.

Sitting there watching the hurt and hopelessness replace the hope that had filled his face moments ago was enough to make Andy lunge forward and grab hold of Sam's hand even though the pain that ripped through her was excruciating.

Sam's head had turned away slightly when she spoke, like he wanted to hide his pain from her eyes. Her small yelp and her hands latching onto his forcefully made his head turn towards her, concern replacing everything else.

"I'm okay". Andy managed breathlessly. She still sucked so badly at lying and even though she knew he'd see through that lie she had too try.

"That came out wrong". She added as she pulled Sam's hand closer hoping to quell the raging pain.

"I meant that you broke my heart Sam, more than anyone else has ever done, and I can't do that again".

Andy's hands still held on too Sam's; her fingers squeezing his.

Sam stood up and tugged his hand from Andy's leaving a puzzled look on her face.

He disappeared from sight and came back a few minutes later with a bag of frozen fries and a dish towel.

"Lie down". Sam instructed wrapping the bag up in the material before holding it out for her to take.

Andy watched Sam and decided to just plonk it on; on top of her shirt. Her bruising had spread and the feint traces of blue and black had become dark and raging.

She really didn't want him to see that now.

He knew what she was doing, what she was hiding and why. But it wouldn't work.

He swung his hand around and motioned for her to lift her legs a little which she did.

He sat down and took hold of her legs tugging then over his lap very gently so that the movement wouldn't hurt her by straining her muscles.

He reached out and took the lump of material from her hands before reaching for her shirt.

When his fingers took hold of the hem of her shirt, her hands covered his like she was giving him one last chance to change his mind. When he looked up at her, she let go knowing that once again she wouldn't win the fight.

Sam was well aware of what lay under her shirt marring her skin, but actually seeing it was something he wasn't quite prepared for.

He sucked in a ragged breath before setting the cold heap down on her stomach angled slightly to the side.

Andy's skin crept into a splurge of goosebumps as the cold seeped over her. Sam found it fascinating to watch and even gave in to temptation and trailed a finger across her stomach to feel the tiny ripples adorning her skin.

It caused Andy to break out in a tinge of pink, even the tip of her nose and points of her ears changed color.

"I want this, I'm just not ready Sam". She suddenly blurted out causing Sam to look between his hand holding the frozen food and her face.

"If there's even a slight chance I'll wait Andy. For as long as it takes."

Sam would willingly wait for her until she was grey haired and wrinkled with age and wisdom if it meant he'd finally get that yes.

"What if I'm never ready Sam?".

"I'll wait. I've waited before".

Except the last time his mind screamed. Then he didn't wait.

"Sam...".

"Nope, I'll wait. I swear I will. For as long as it takes. Remember no going back? Remember me putting up a fight? Well if waiting means I get to do that, and its a part of it; I'll wait".

Somewhere in the back of his mind he briefly entertained thoughts of her saying that he shouldn't or that he couldn't because she wouldn't ask him too, so that set off his little promise. A promise he would keep this time.

"What if you get tired of waiting? What if..."

"Would you be offended if I kissed you right now?". Sam said louder than she was talking.

She was always so hesitant, so full of doubts even in herself. Seeing as he was too far away too actually do that, he thought that just maybe saying it would have the same effect. Which it did.

It silenced her and made her turn bright red.

"Don't tempt me McNally".

Andy dipped her head into the cushion and tried to hide her blush. She knew that it drove Sam nuts, but it was his fault that she was blushing.

They slipped into silence for a while, Andy sneaking glances at Sam as he did the same- looked at her everytime she looked at him.

A sudden thought snapped to mind that had Sam pushing against her legs telling her to lift them up.

Andy watched as he stood up and walked away coming back a few minutes later with his phone to his ear.

He was ordering food. Sounded like Chinese.

"I forgot, I am so sorry". He mumbled after he hung up.

Andy blushed again, before mumbling "I forgot too" sheepishly.

How was it even possible to forget too eat? Well obviously it was because she had.

Dinner arrived and Andy handed Sam his frozen fries back as she sat up with a grimace.

He set the food down on the table and pushed it closer so that she could reach.

While they ate, Sam was still so absorbed in watching her eat that he barely remembered to feed himself.

When they were done Sam noticed the two fortune cookies and held them out for Andy to pick one.

This time she did. She didn't refuse like she had last time at the barn.

She loved them, ordered one every time they had Chinese. He usually forgot, and had again tonight but yet here they were in his hand.

Andy took hers out of the tiny plastic wrapper and snapped it open before popping a piece into her mouth and moving to pull the paper out the other piece.

Her eyes widened as she read the words before she cast her gaze to Sam who held his cookie out for her to take but kept hold of his fortune.

Andy tried to lean over and read his as she took his cookie, but he shied it away from her prying eyes.

"Wanna trade?". Sam suddenly asked.

"Nope". Andy was really looking smug when she said that.

"Sure about that?".

Andy sighed and held hers out, his placed lightly in the palm of her hand.

"No taking back after you've traded". Sam said making Andy look between her hand and his face.

Reading her fortune Sam had the sudden urge to laugh. It said-

Think with your heart not your head when pondering life.

His on the other hand was also suited to them, more so him but she'd get the message.

To love unconditionally is to let go, if it comes back it's meant for keeps.

Sam remembered the other two still in his kitchen cupboard so he moved to get them. He didn't really eat them so there was no point in leaving them in his desk drawer so he ended up bringing them home for no apparent reason.

He came back and held them out to Andy, her eyes dancing at his sudden playfulness.

When she had the second one open, she burst out into a fit of giggles, Sam finding her so carefree in that moment.

"And?"

"You wanna know, then we need to trade". Andy said trying to hold back on her laughing. It really was painful.

Sam nodded and handed his entire cookie over to her. He found his eyes grazing words that were really true in his case.

A wise man waits patiently.

Hopefully Andy got the hint.

Andy cracked open Sam's cookie and began nibbling while she unfolded the tiny paper.

When she was done reading it she held it out to Sam willing too share the fortune freely.

This time she read- Moving forwards sometimes means moving backwards.

Sam lifted an eyebrow, all four fortunes were hitting pretty close to home.

Andy yawned, Sam forgetting that she needed to sleep too.

"Time for your meds and bed?".

Andy nodded and shifted to stand up, her entire disposition so different from when she arrived.

"I still don't know where we stand now Sam. I just need a little time to figure it all out".

"Take all the time you need Andy, I'll be here waiting when you're ready". Sam said dropping a kiss onto her hair.

"Promise?". The word slipped out before Andy could stop it.

Sam smiled at her. If she was extending him enough to trust him to make her a promise, then he would make damned sure that he kept it this time.

"I promise". Sam said before Andy smiled a smile that lit up her eyes before walking away.

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	15. Progress

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**Chapter 15- Progress. **

The next morning was like a really awkward morning after- Andy looking sheepish as she shifted around and fidgeted endlessly while eating breakfast.

The next three days were much the same, Andy fidgeted nonstop as she tried her best to be her independent self, her pain levels restricting her more now than ever.

They spent the days talking about good memories and Sam telling Andy about going through his rookie days with Noelle, Frank and Oliver. He also told Andy how Oliver and Zoe's relationship started- when she was dating his neighbour.

Nights were spent making small conversation over dinner and watching sitcoms or movies, them allowing themselves to slip into a comfortable pattern.

Sam had spent every possible waking moment hovering close to her, lingering in her presence and drinking her in when she was around.

Andy was restless at night and he even found himself slipping into the spare room when her groaning and mumbling in her sleep woke him. He'd merely lean down and run his fingers up and down the skin on the inside of her arm; a motion he knew would sooth her and let her settle back down into a deep sleep.

Andy's building super called and told her that her door had been installed and that he had her new keys so she could drop by any time and pick them up.

The call came just as Sam set her coffee down, his face showing what could only be called disappointment as she thanked the super after saying she'd be by soon.

The air between them suddenly shifted as Sam became distant in one split second, like he had pulled away again.

Sam backed off and left her alone in the lounge trying to get himself together.

Yup, that one call had totally derailed his mind set even though they both knew that it would come.

He'd spent three days being himself, three days acting normal and three days trying to figure out if Andy was any closer too forgiving him for what he had done and what he had thrown at her.

Seventy-two hours spent knowing that she was right there, but that he had no claim on her and couldn't make up her mind for her, she and she alone could make her decision.

It had been the most excruciating three days of his life.

It was worse than the two years he had spent waiting for her before finally getting a shot at being something more.

Sam was busy in the kitchen, nothing holding his attention for more than three seconds when he felt her close enough to make his skin tingle.

Looking up he found her standing in the doorway looking really smug.

Andy noticed Sam's sudden mood change like it had settled in on them both.

He set her coffee down wearing a smile that turned into the face that he had been wearing the day that her engagement to Luke was announced at parade.

She really had no clue that her going back home would hit her this hard.

Sitting thinking about it, she really didn't want to leave.

When Sam left her alone she knew that he wasn't looking forward too it either, he didn't need to say it for her too know.

The knowledge was both powerful and draining at the same time.

Seeing him aimlessly move around the kitchen made little sense, but the sight was pleasing neverless.

"Sam..."

Sam stopped dead and stared at Andy like she was from another planet as her voice broke through whatever bubble he had himself wrapped up in.

"I...".

"Yup, whenever you're ready". He really didn't feel like hearing her say that she'd be ready in a few minutes. He knew that; and that was enough.

"I'm ready".

Sam looked her up and down, then looked too the floor and back at her all the while showing his confusion.

Andy let out the lightest of giggles at watching him display his confusion so casually.

"For a D, you are really slow". Andy said in seriousness before leaving Sam alone.

Sam shook his head and ran a hand over his face. He had absolutely no idea what that had been about.

Giving up on searching for answers he went looking for the source and found her nestled on the back deck stairs, the sunlight casting speckles of color through her hair.

Sitting down next too her he remained silent, only because he didn't want too ruin the moment.

She looked so content too just sit there in that moment that fear of snatching that away kept his words back.

"I was so mad when you told me Sam, so hurt that you didn't think that I felt enough for you too tell me then, but I get it now".

Sam looked at her, his head dipped to the side. He had the feeling that there would be more to follow soon.

"Does Oliver know?".

Sam shook his head.

"Jerry?".

Sam made the same movement telling her that he hadn't either.

"Anyone?".

Sam had his lips pursed into a tight line as he looked down at his shoes when Andy finally looked his way.

"You haven't told anyone?".

But he had told her.

Told her the one secret he had ever had.

"There's more too life than just kids Sam".

Sam held back on answering that, there were so many things that he could say but any of them could lead them down a road that he didn't want too go down.

"I've spent three days wondering if there was something wrong with me, or if I did something wrong but then I tried too put myself in you're shoes and that was something I can't even imagine".

Andy was looking at him now like she was having her heart ripped out and it was making him feel like he was ready too wrap her up in a bubble and make all the heartache just go away.

"When I came home... I ... Hoped that you'd be waiting you know; but when you weren't I tried so hard too hate you but I just couldn't.

It hurt Sam, a lot, and then you told me about not having kids and I just... Shut down and I'm sorry.

I know what it took for you too tell me, and what it's taken for us to get too this point but..."

Andy let out a long breath as she tried too stabilize her voice.

"I can't ask you too wait, I don't want you too wait, I want this, I do; and if that means that kids aren't in the picture then that's how it's meant too be. If it means that it's just us maybe that's a good thing right, because we don't exactly have the best track records and having little versions of ourselves might not be the..."

"Andy don't okay. I know that this is hard, and I know what making this decision means, but if you can't do this I get it".

What the hell was he saying?

She was practically telling him that this was okay, that there was a chance for them; and he's giving her the option to back out?

But it was something in her voice, something she couldn't hide even though she was trying so hard too.

Scooting a little closer, Sam let his leg rest against hers as he reached out and took her hand away from her leg before she caused it some serious damage.

She was on edge and it was really tearing him up.

"This is not an easy decision too make, it's one you need too live with forever so think about it". That was all there was left too say from his side.

They sat there for a while in silence before Sam stood up and held his hand out for Andy too take so that he could help her stand up.

It was time too take her home, even though he didn't want too.

Andy packed her stuff back into her bags, her heart feeling like it would be left behind when she walked out the door.

Andy could feel Sam watching from the doorway, his presence unnerving her as she fumbled around trying to get her scattered belongings together.

Dropping an item of clothing onto the bed Andy turned around and huffed out a long breath.

"Can...can you just not do that anymore?".

Sam had his shoulder leaning against the doorframe, ankles crossed; his arm's crossed over his chest as he watched her.

"Don't make this...". She cut herself off from saying anymore before she went ahead and just allowed words that should come out, to come screaming out when the timing was way off.

"Don't make it?"

That had Sam's interest peeked. He really wanted to know how she would have finished that sentence.

But she didn't answer, she just rolled her lips sealed as she jammed them closed.

"Andy?".

Her refusal to say anymore intrigued him, had him baffled. She had always- okay mostly- been one to say whatever she felt needed to be said.

"Don't make this harder Sam".

Her words weren't entirely what he was expecting, but they made his heart swell and turn to jelly. If his presence was making it hard for her to leave then it was a good thing right? Then her defenses were slipping and she was feeling something.

"Make what harder?"

Sam had never been one to push Andy, unless it was on the job for her to better herself as a cop. But right now, he was going to push until those walls crumbled and gave way and she let him in.

Andy was staring at him like she couldn't believe that he had just asked her that, or because he wanted her to verbalize words that she really didn't want too say.

She had yet to say anything again, the color rushing to her cheeks as she figured out what he was trying to do.

"Leaving Sam. You're making it harder than I want it to be".

Finally.

Sam tried not to smirk, he really did, but he knew that he wasn't going to be able to hide it after hearing her say that.

"And if I said I didn't want you to leave?".

Those few words made the feint traces of pink in her cheeks recede as they were replaced with a paler tone.

"What if I asked you to stay? Would you?". Wow, he was on a roll. Usually he found saying something really hard, but now if he opened his mouth it came freely, driven by fear that if he let her go now after fusing their bond a little tighter that tomorrow it would be gone.

"Sam ...". Andy sat down on the edge of the bed, her eyes looking into his as she tried to understand why he had changed his mind and was chasing after her after he let her go in the first place.

"I told you that I want this, but you keep trying to give me an out and then you do that; make me want to stay before you pull me closer again and do it all over again. I don't know what you want, and I don't know how to keep doing this".

There, she'd said it.

Said what she wanted cleared up and told him that he was confusing her, even if it was unintentional.

"I want you back, I want us. But I want you to know what that could mean. Ten years down the line I don't want to get a divorce because I can't give you the one thing you'll always want. I want to know that you're sure about this, I want...you to give us a chance Andy, I want you to stay".

Andy was left breathless after Sam kept talking as he walked closer to her until he stopped just as his words came to an end.

"You don't trust me to stay right?". Andy's words came out barely above a whimper, Sam feeling the familiar frustration run through him. They just couldn't seem to have a conversation without the past getting brought up some way or another.

"Andy I trust you, with everything. I just love you enough to let you go so that you can have everything you've ever wanted".

When Andy heard Sam say that she felt like every raw emotion that she had ever felt came crashing down over her at the same time.

Sam had been putting up such a fight to get to her lately, and she had no idea why. Until now.

Now everything was crystal clear.

Letting the quiet drag out, Andy tried to collect herself enough to find her voice, her heart beating a million miles a minute.

"Would you consider adoption?" She blurted out the random thought suddenly, Sam's smile showing itself vaguely even though they were having a pretty heavy conversation.

"Anything you wanted". And he was being honest, whatever road she wanted to travel to get where she wanted them to go, he was with her all the way.

"Including you?".

"You've always had me".

"Okay, but... I still need to go home". Andy was chewing on her lips, Sam knowing that she was right. But they'd made progress, hopefully she would still feel the same way tomorrow.

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	16. Stay To Stay With Me

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**Chapter 16- Stay to Stay With Me. **

Sam loaded Andy's luggage into the truck before opening the door for her.

The drive over to her condo gave Sam time to reflect over her decision to give him a chance, give them a shot.

But in the back of his mind, he felt like he was making the wrong decision by taking her options away from her.

When he stopped outside her building he walked her upstairs to get her new keys first before walking her back down a floor to inspect the new door.

Once he was satisfied, he left to retrieve her bags from his truck before returning with them.

He set them down and looked her way before asking if she needed anything to which she shook her head.

They were standing around aimlessly, neither really aware of what they wanted to do.

"Thank you" Andy said breaking the silence between them.

Sam nodded before inching his way towards the door making her promise to call him if she needed anything.

He said bye, and so did she, his hand on the door before he let go of it and stepped over the threshold.

Andy had moved to close the door, her eyes following Sam as he moved down the hallway before he disappeared from sight when he rounded the corner at the end of the hall.

Andy closed the door and flipped the new lock. She walked away taking a few steps before there was a light knock.

Opening the door she found Sam standing there, his face divulging his mood. He was somewhere between decisive and waging a war.

"I forgot something" He mumbled when the door was out of his way.

"What?".

Sam didn't say anything, just leaned down and kissed her passionately but briefly.

Andy was breathless when Sam pulled away, her lips tingling as she tucked her bottom lip in between her teeth.

"See you 'round McNally" Sam said before turning around and leaving Andy shocked as he left again.

Andy closed the door for a second time, her cheeks inflamed. Had he really just done that?

Had he just kissed her goodbye and left?

He was completely insane and totally frustrating.

Being at home alone in the quiet was driving her crazy.

She'd been home a few hours and had unpacked her bags, called the cleaners to collect her laundry and sat watching TV.

But everything felt empty. And lonely.

During Dakota, Nick was constantly around, and after too. Traci had been around a lot too, and then it was Sam and right now being alone just didn't feel right.

As the day passed Sam kept catching himself thinking about Andy and her saying that she was ready. It was all he had been dreaming of for weeks since she came home, and now that the moment was here he didn't quite know what to do with it, or himself.

He had spent hours running over ways to make it up to her, and his promises that now seemed empty because he hadn't kept any of them. And how exactly was he supposed to make up for everything? How do you rectify a betrayal like that? Because to him, it felt like he had betrayed her, what she felt for him, and even her trust.

Sam contemplated calling her, but didn't know what to say so he didn't. Instead he called a florist and had a bouquet of flowers delivered, yellow roses because that's what yellow roses meant, they were the flowers of apology.

She sent him a text saying thank you for the flowers a few hours later, making him feel like he just might be on the right track.

When the clouds turned pink, and the sun began to set Sam stopped fighting the urge he had to see her and went over to her condo bearing food. This time he opted for pizza and some chocolate desert that just looked so yummy.

When he knocked on the door he tried to keep himself in check, tried to remember that they still had a lot to work through before they got any closer to being where they wanted to go.

The saying 'no going back' meant just that for them. There was no undoing what had been done, and no way that they could ever be what they where, or where they were.

Andy opened the door looking better, for the first time since she had been shot she looked like she wasn't in constant pain and she even had a rosy complexion spread across her cheeks.

"Hi" Andy said letting go of the door and stepping aside so that Sam could come in.

She gave Sam a toothy grin when she noticed the pizza and what looked like chocolate desert when he set them down on the kitchen counter. Sam noticed that she was moving a little easier, her ribs finally starting to heal.

"You look better" he said trying to cover up the sudden nervousness that coursed through him.

Yup, he was totally nervous, sweaty palm, and jittery insides.

But he had good reason to be, he was after all here with a reason other than getting his required McNally fix.

"Yeah, I feel good, better" Andy was blushing like she felt nervous too, it made Sam let out a low chuckle.

"Thanks for the flowers" she added a second later looking towards the roses in a vase in the lounge.

Sam shrugged "You said you were ready". Not his greatest speech but it was hinting where he wanted it to go.

Andy giggled before lifting the pizza box lid up between the and hiding behind it as her cheeks flamed with red. She dropped the lid holding a slice of pizza when she noticed that Sam had moved out of her line of sight and had disappeared. She was just about to turn around when she felt him behind her, just standing there, probably watching her.

She was looking at the slice of pizza trying to decide if she should take a bite org not when she decided not to, and set it down on the lid of the box and licked her fingers off.

Sam wasn't here to check on her, or bring her food, he was here to talk she had seen it on his face when she opened the door.

Sam could tell that she sensed he wanted to talk, her head dropping a fraction after she set the pizza down. He was waiting for her to turn around, but she didn't, she just kept standing there hiding her face.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

Sam stepped up behind her, stopping when he leaned a little closer to whisper in her ear.

He peeked around her hair when his finger dragged it back so that he could see her face, watching her as she nodded and bit down on her lip.

"No going back, and we start over, clean slate?".

Andy nodded again, her eyes moving to look up at him this time instead of hiding by staying focused on the floor.

He was watching her intently, looking for any final signs of hesitation or doubt to tell him that she wasn't one hundred percent sure- but there weren't any.

"No more dancing around each other, no more not talking?".

Again all Andy could do was nod, her voice not finding the will to be heard.

Sam nudged his face closer to hers, his nostrils filling with her scent as he breathed it in.

How he had ever been able to go this long without being able to have her this close, or smell her, he'd never know. How he coped with not being able to touch her he'd never understand.

And now that he could do all of that, he wasn't about too.

"Promise me Andy, promise me that you'll let me know if you want out or if you're not sure, if you change your mind?". Sam whispered the words against her hair, his breath warm as it flooded out across her cheek, her head nodding as she made those promises.

Then Sam pulled away- all the way away.

He took a few steps back and left Andy standing there still lost in the moment.

To this day Andy would swear that her heart had stopped beating when Sam stood that close to her then. Her breathing too, in fact just about everything had stopped. And then it all started up again when he backed away.

She was positive that he was going to kiss her then too, her stomach doing somersaults and flip-flops and then nothing.

She spun around to face Sam, a lopsided grin on his face as he ran his tongue over the inside of his teeth while he watched her give him a heated stare.

He found her very amusing right now, her expression lingering between disappointment and curiosity.

He knew that he wasn't playing fair, but it was the only way he had left to up his game.

Closing the space between them in nimble strides, Sam bent down and kissed Andy's forehead "Eat and get some rest" he said, and then left.

He just totally walked through the door and left her standing there staring at the back of closed door.

Sam was playing with fire, but to fight fire you had to bring fire.

Andy stared at the door, her mind screeching to a complete total and utter standstill.

He'd done it again.

Electrified her, and just left her hanging.

When the thought occurred to her, Andy let out a ridiculous laugh at the situation in it's entirety.

If Sam was testing the bounds of his restraints, then it was understandable. If he was testing the attraction between them to see if it was still there or not, then he had his answer. If he was teasing her, then he was dead meat!

Andy grabbed her slice of pizza off the pizza box lid and bit into it, her mind trying to fathom what the hell Sam was thinking.

Leaning against the counter, Andy had a second slice, her mind still in deep thought.

After that she grabbed a shower and washed her hair. She managed to dry it without feeling too much pain spread across her still black and blue ribs.

Staring at herself in the mirror Andy still hadn't come up with an answer as to why Sam closed the space between them before stepping back again, so she decided to ask him.

She left her bedroom and went in search of her phone and sent him a text asking him if he was insane.

Sam smiled when he read it, he was really starting to get under her skin and it was showing. That was how he had spent two years of his life while she was his rookie, and then dating Callaghan. Even after that, it was how he felt, and now- after all this time it was still there.

'Just crazy' he sent back.

Andy stared at his reply, it gave her nothing. Revealed nothing.

He was infuriating, frustrating and in for one hell of a surprise.

Andy picked up her keys and shoved her phone into her pocket before stepping through the door and going looking for answers.

Sam expected it to be Oliver when he opened the door, but instead found Andy.

The next few minutes happened in similar fashion to the night of the blackout, Sam opened the door and looked at her, she lunged at him and practically put a hole in the wall behind him when she stepped him backwards into it and kissed him like she had never kissed anyone before.

It just happened, she was planning on verbally saying words, uttering sentences that ended with question marks, but it totally went in the opposite direction when she saw him standing there.

Sam audibly groaned when she pulled away, both of the breathless. She had moved away just enough to look up at Sam, her face flustered and her lips cracked up in a light smile.

Sam hand one hand on her hip, the other on her neck just under her ear, his thumb rubbing the skin along her jaw line.

The door had somehow managed to close, but Andy suddenly stepped out of his reach and towards the door.

Sam let go of her, not knowing what she wanted to do until it made sense that she was giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Sam had her hand in his as he tugged her back softly, still well aware that she was nursing an injury.

"Not gonna happen" Sam said whirling her around to face him.

There was no way he was letting her go after that, not now, not ever, but she needed to know that.

Andy was looking everywhere but at him now, the shadows of the darkened hallway providing enough cover for her to hide her face in.

Sam turned her face to the side and up just enough so that he could see her "Stay?".

This time he was asking her to stay and not because she had asked him to. He had already told her that he wanted her to stay this morning, told her that he was thinking about asking her to stay, but he hadn't actually asked her.

Now he was.

"Sam..."

"Andy, stay just to stay with me?". That had to be the stupidest thing he'd ever said.

Andy tried not to giggle at his words, but she couldn't help herself. They were so unlike Sam, but she got what he was trying to say.

And how could she say no to that?

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**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	17. It's Always Been There

**Thanks for sticking with this, and all the awesome reviews & follows!**

**Thanks as always to the regulars & kelly2727!**

**If you're new, welcome to my world!**

**Chapter 17- It's Always Been There. **

Sleeping in Sam's bed felt strange.

They hadn't done anything other than sleep, but it still felt out of place to wake up in his bed because he was still in it.

Usually; well before, more often than not she would wake up and he was either gone, or he was out of bed and on his way out the door. Now he was still here, waiting for her to wake up? Who does that? Stalks someone in their sleep?

"Hi" Andy mumbled and slid across the bed when she realized that Sam probably hadn't gotten up yet, because she was using him as a pillow and he didn't want to hurt her if he tried to move her.

As soon as she moved Sam did too, only he moved closer and pulled her back down to where she had been laying.

That was totally unexpected.

Glancing up at him, Andy found his eyes closed as if he was surrendering himself to just being here like this.

"Don't go there" he mumbled, sensing that she was overthinking his actions. Andy put her head back down and listened to his heartbeat, the soft rhythm lulling her back to sleep.

When Andy woke up for the second time, Sam was gone. A frustrated sigh left her lips, she should have guessed that some things would never change. When she looked over at his alarm clock she was shocked to find it flashing eleven-thirty. Okay so maybe it had changed, maybe he didn't feel the need to run out the door for whatever reason he had first thing in the morning anymore.

Sam watched her sleep a while longer, his fingers tracing over the loose strands of hair that were within reach. This was one of the first things he was working on- his own need to run.

She had always been a runner, but so had he. Only difference between them is that he had always tried to cover it up with some flimsy excuse. She had always done it openly even when she denied doing it.

He had in the past, always run out the door first thing in the morning because after spending time watching her sleep, if he had to watch her wake up he would say those three little words that he was in denial of, and fighting against. He was Sam Swarek, and Sam Swarek didn't tell woman that he loved them, even if he felt it.

Until her, until it was too late and until he knew that he had to say it or lose her.

Well he had said it, then lost her, then put a bigger gap between them when she came home, but he never stopped feeling it. It had always been there, from the first time he saw her.

He had learned to hang on to more self restraint than he had before, and now he was testing those limits because she needed him too. She needed to be reassured that this time he was going to make the effort, and that things would work because they were different this time.

When she woke up and looked at him he could see that she was having difficulty believing that he was still here, that he hadn't run yet, and then he felt every ounce of the well practiced self restraint start to slip away.

And he nearly said it.

Nearly told her that he loves her and never stopped.

But she wasn't there just yet, so he bit them back and closed his eyes to block her from view before he completely caved.

Feeling the wings of sleep tug at him, Sam decided to get up. If he didn't, they wouldn't be getting out of bed today. He got clean clothes out and took one last look at Andy before closing his bedroom door and heading for the guest bathroom downstairs to shower without waking her up.

Andy stretched out and then got up. She found Sam in the kitchen eating mouthfuls of food between making something on the stove.

He looked up to see her standing in the kitchen entrance, leaning against the wall with her arms and ankles crossed still wearing his shirt. Her hair was slightly disheveled and her eyes squinting, she'd definitely just woken up.

And he couldn't swallow his mouthful of omelet without the risk of choking.

He just froze gazing at her and stopped chewing.

Sam was looking at her funny, like he was seeing her for the first time.

She knew what she looked like first thing in the morning, but it wasn't that bad was it? Bad enough to make him stare at her like that?

She looked down at herself and saw his shirt hanging mid thigh, so it wasn't that she had too much showing. Her hand flew up to smooth over hair that didn't feel like it was standing up.

So it made no sense.

Sam remembered her omelet, so he turned around took it off the heat and slid it out into the waiting plate. When he looked back up, Andy had deserted the doorway, leaving empty space behind.

He found her in the bedroom getting dressed, the feint smell of soap and toothpaste telling him that he stood daydreaming for a while after she left.

Andy was done with washing her face and brushing her teeth with a new toothbrush she found in the bathroom cabinet when she returned to the bedroom and whipped Sam's shirt off.

Pulling on her clothes, Andy wondered why she had even bothered trying, how she ever thought that this could work. That they could work.

Sam staring at her like that just made her nerves unravel and she came undone.

Looking up when she had her shirt tugged over her head she found him there, just as she had expected him to be. He always materialized.

Sam closed the distance between them and his hands found hers as she tried to pull her hair into a ponytail.

"This is not happening" Sam said, and allowing him to bring her arms down.

"Sam, I thought I could do this..."

"You can, you want to".

She had given this so much thought, scrutinized how things could go, and if she could spend her life with Sam and without children, and the answer had been yes, she wanted too.

"If you need time, then take it- just don't back away".

This back and forth was getting to him, every time they took a step in the right direction Andy would dance around before slipping into her shell and he had to work twice as hard to get to her. But he didn't mind, it was worth it.

"I love you, and I would do anything to take the past back, and to change the future for us, but I can't. I can only keep loving you and hope that it'll be enough".

Andy inhaled a sharp breath, Sam's words shocking her.

He thought that he wasn't enough? That was just so wrong.

When Sam saw her standing there in his shirt looking all innocent and still wrapped up in sleep he knew that he was going to tell her he loved her as soon as he swallowed the mouthful of food stopping him.

He didn't want to not tell her anymore. If she wasn't ready to hear it, then she needed to hear it enough until she was ready.

He had told her that he wanted her back, shared his only kept secret with her, that he wanted another shot, but he'd never told her why.

Never told her why he freaked out in the first place when he though she'd been shot.

Why he couldn't live without her, and why he was so damned stupid to start with.

Sam watched Andy as he spoke, the startling signs of tears making him almost regret saying what he had- almost.

"Seeing you standing there in my shirt, still half asleep... It made me want to tell you how I feel. It just, makes everything make sense".

Andy showed no signs of wanting to talk, her lips rolled over and pressed tightly together.

"I fell in love with you the day you knocked me on my ass. I just didn't want to accept it, then I denied it. But it's always been there. The day I said it, I meant it, I just didn't think you were ready to hear it, so I covered it up, and kept covering it up when you left. Even when you came home I covered it up, but when you got shot I didn't want to cover it up anymore. All I wanted was to tell you".

"But you didn't" Andy mumbled out, her tone low as she let the weakness show.

"I tried too, but you wouldn't let me, you wouldn't give me more than five seconds and I didn't want to say it and you didn't believe me again. I promised myself that the next time I said it, you would feel it, you would be ready to feel it".

"Am I?" Great, now she was asking him for an answer to his own question.

"Yeah, you're here". Sam smiled when he said that, he really did think so.

"You don't have to say it Andy, I know it's still there. I feel it every time you look at me, I hear it in your voice, see it in your smile. I know it's always been there, I was just too scared that maybe one day it would go away; like when I told you about not having kids, but it didn't. It just I dunno, intensified?"

Andy's eyes widened, she was so sure that he didn't know, didn't see it, that she kept it hidden in the shadows.

Apparently she hadn't.

"You know what Sam?" She tried to feign the innocence he had used to describe her moments ago.

Sam closed his eyes, dropped their lids until he was peering at her through slits.

She wanted him to say it, wanted to hear him say it.

So he did, "You love me".

Andy was pretty much blown away when he said it. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she held on to doubt. Doubt that he knew, doubt that he could see through her meticulously constructed walls.

Sam had seen it for a while before the got it together the first time, he wasn't surprised when she said it one day, just blurted it out like she had in his truck.

He had been misguided when he thought that her 'feelings' would pass, that she was just infatuated with him. That was one of the reasons he was scared; it didn't go away. It grew. Her loving him back scared the crap out of him.

He knew that he was in serious trouble when he called her the night he was still working Brennan and asked her to come.

They both knew the dangers, and she still said yes and came back even after they had said that they were looking for trouble. She knew that she was putting herself at risk to be there, but she had done it anyway. That's what told him she loved him. But he had sensed it before then too. He just wasn't sure up until that point in time.

Sam focused on Andy after his mind began to drift away, she had her face tilted to the side as though she was about to challenge him.

"What? I like the fact that you love me" Sam said trying to lighten the mood.

Andy took it as him covering the deep conversation up again, so she tried to move away, but Sam wouldn't let her.

"No way McNally, still not happening" Sam said pulling her right up against him and wrapping his arms around her, still careful of her ribs.

"Not covering anything up, just my way of letting you know that I love you, and you love me, and that it's totally awesome, because you're here and you're awesome, and you're mine?".

The last part came out in the form of a question, Sam's way of asking her if she was his, if she still wanted to do this, do them.

She had her face tucked into his shoulder, but could feel him looking down at her, waiting for some kind of affirmation from her.

But her brain was on fire, she couldn't think straight. So instead of saying anything, she acted by looking up at him and giving him the only answer she knew he would understand, she let him feel it.

*******okay, so let me know what you think in another one of those awesome thoughts you leave by using the little box underneath here - .****͡▹**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	18. Little Gifts

**As always thank you for the awesome reviews to this fic, Lie to Me, and my new one Another Chance. **

**As always thanks to kelly2727 and the regulars. Welcome to all the newbies!**

**Chapter 18- Little Gifts. **

A lot had changed in the months following that day.

Andy had finally let Sam in completely, she stopped holding on to the past and stopped looking at what they used to be.

Sam became more talkative, said what was on his mind, sometimes making Andy feel like she wished he hadn't started doing that.

After that day, they had walked into the barn when Andy was allowed back on shift- after being cleared by the doctor- holding hands.

They just casually walked through the door and the entire barn came to a complete standstill. Everyone stopped and stared at them, Sam shrugging and Andy turning the brightest shade of red as she tucked her face away into his shoulder. And that was before the smiles morphed into a really drawn out round of applause.

They were dating, officially, Sam trying his best to open up because Andy was doing a really good job of putting in the effort to trust him again.

He could see that she still battled with an internal war about letting him in, but her heart was winning so he was more than content to stand by and watch it play out.

Over months they grew closer, taking slow steps in the right direction and both of them firmly standing their ground instead of pulling away or closing themselves off.

In the beginning of their new relationship Sam still put space between them, and tried not to consume all of her spare time.

Now that he was a detective they spent less time working together, and he figured it was a good way to start. So instead of spending all their time off shift together he would drop he off at home and leave. He let her have saturdays to herself too if she was off and would always send her a text on those mornings to say hello, and again to say goodnight.

That lasted for about three weeks until one night Andy stayed sitting in the truck when he drove her home and pulled over.

She gave him this incredibly sweet look and just told him that the space wasn't working for her and that she was trying not to seem clingy, but she wanted more.

Sam had tried not to let his laugh resonate through the truck at her sweet innocence, but he couldn't really help himself.

It was one of the reasons that he fell in love with her in the first place, her innocence.

"Okay" was his smooth response as he got out the drivers door, opened her door and walked her inside.

When she had her front door open she had walked inside before she realized that he wasn't following her so she doubled back and found him waiting at her door.

She had given him a quizzical look, but he merely crooked a finger at her and summoned her closer. When she stopped in front of him he leaned in a little closer, brushed his nose against hers and kissed her goodnight in the doorway.

After that their relationship grew even stronger and they spent a little more time together than they were in the baby-step weeks.

Things were better than they had been the first time around.

Andy had given Sam her spare key back, she had reclaimed it when she had handed his back, so Sam knew that she was finally ready for the next step. The one with the letter M.

Moving in.

He had reservations about it, but knew that it was logical, and he just really wanted it.

So he asked her flat out, straight to the point and she said no.

It didn't exactly go as he had hoped it would, so he looked at her and said "Okay".

He asked her again a week later, and the week after that, and again another week later.

They had been dating for eight months, and he kept asking, and she kept saying no so he decided to give her a little motivation to want too.

He showed up at six am one saturday morning with a stack of empty boxes and just told her that she had better start packing.

Andy had hovered in the doorway to her bedroom with wide eyes, a soft "You were serious?" escaping.

Of course he had been serious, all seven times he had asked her to move in.

Once Andy was fully moved in, they found a routine that worked for them and stuck to it.

Life was good, it was simple and it stayed that way for the next two years.

...

Not much had changed in the two years they had been living together.

Their relationship was where it had been when they moved in together, but that was good because it meant that they hadn't gone backwards.

Sam had given serious thought to asking Andy to marry him, but each and every time he wanted too, he chickened out.

Things were perfect, she was perfect and he just didn't want to screw it up again- so he didn't ask.

Sam's only worry about actually asking her was that if she wasn't ready for it she'd run. That she'd freak out, get scared and take off again with no chance for them to come back from that bad place.

He was content, he was happy so there was no way that he was going to risk it, not just yet. Even if he had brought her a ring years ago.

Maybe one day they'd be there, in that place where he knew for certain that she wasn't ever going to run again.

Andy stared at the paper in her hand before she slid it into the huge brown envelope and sealed it.

If she didn't do this now, she was going to start second guessing her decision and not do it at all.

Today was Sam's birthday and she had spent months trying to think of the perfect gift.

Sam was hard to shop for, he had everything that he needed and wanted so what do you get for someone that has it all?

A piece of paper was what she had settled on once she had made her decision to do this- with no turning back.

It wasn't just a gift to Sam, in a way it was one meant for both of them, only it would mean more to Sam than anything else she could give him.

She had spent eleven weeks filling out paperwork and getting everything in place for this to be pulled off, often skipping lunch dates with Sam when she was on shift, or missing early morning breakfasts with her friends after a long night shift.

But this was worth more than a cup of coffee or scrambled eggs, it was the only thing that was still missing.

Andy had given a lot of consideration to this before acting on instinct, because this was one thing that she could not do and then back out of, it was also one thing that she had always been scared of doing but the fear had faded away to be replaced with anxiety and hopefulness that she never saw coming.

It completely caught her off guard, feeling that way about something that she had carried as a burden for so long.

She had taken time to talk to her dad about it, and he was over the moon. She had asked Traci what she thought, and her answer had been "Our McNally's finally grown up".

But their positively did little to squash down her nervousness.

Sam was still sleeping, she made sure that she was up this morning before he was just so that she could have coffee before doing this.

Andy made Sam coffee too when hers was done and picked up the sealed envelope before drawing in a really long breath and heading for the bedroom.

She tip-toed in and sat his coffee down next to the bed before propping the envelope up on his bed side table and kissing his forehead.

When he stirred slightly Andy ran her hand over his hair, whispered 'Happy Birthday Sam' in his ear to see a giant smile invade his face before she brushed her lips against his and mumbled something about going for a run with Traci and left.

Andy had put a lot of thought into how she was going to give Sam his gift, but none of the ways she pictured had her handing it to him and hanging around so she decided to go with the way it was playing out in her head.

She wouldn't allow herself to stay and see any disappointment or hesitation that Sam had about this. Facing rejection had never really been her thing so she skipped out on it before it had the chance to take effect.

"So did you?" Traci said as soon as she appeared next to Andy's side.

Sam sat up and looked around the room not really sure if Andy had just been in here or if he was dreaming it again. That happened a lot when he was home and she was on shift.

The smell of coffee told him that it wasn't a dream.

He took the coffee and lifted it to his lips, the warm liquid meeting his tongue as he took a sip.

His eyes came to rest on a large brown envelope propped up on his side of the bed, Andy's writing gracing the front.

To Sam

Love always

Andy.

Last year for his birthday she had gotten him a new leather jacket and a new watch. He loved both of them and couldn't really think of anything that would be able to top that.

Setting his coffee down, Sam plucked up the envelope and tried to imagine what was inside.

The envelope was way too big to hold tickets to a Maple's game or a concert, but then again maybe it was all Andy could find.

Shaking the envelope he felt no movement inside it, so it wasn't tickets. In fact he didn't feel anything.

Lifting the flap, Sam slid it open and peeked inside to find one single sheet of paper nestled between the brown covers.

Sliding it out, Sam let his eyes trail from the top to the bottom as he read over the neatly printed words, his breath completely gone by the time he made it to the bottom of the page.

There were a few places that had required writing but Andy had taken care of all of those except two- one under his name where he needed to sign and one where he had to fill in the date.

The feeling that cascade down over him was indescribable.

He'd never felt so many things at once.

Finding it in himself that he might be imagining the paper to really be what it said it was, Sam flipped it over and studied the back only to find it empty. He turned it back around to reread the front, his eyes assuring his brain that he was seeing it correctly.

That's right about when the panic set it, the untold fears of what lay ahead as he realized that this wasn't a dream anymore, it wasn't something he was hoping to get on a lucky day, or a faded wish tattered by over use.

It was a reality.

It wasn't even a joke.

He'd never really imagined that this would be how it would feel, how the uncertainty would taint the moment.

Andy told Traci how she left Sam this morning, her friends running coming to an immediate holt as she yelled out "You did what? Andy are you kidding me right now? You better be joking, you can't do that!".

Every set of eyes that were on the joggers trail that led through the park stared at them as Andy stopped and turned to face Traci after her rant began.

She was seriously mad, her voice ten octaves too loud as it carried out the heated words.

"You've waited your whole life for this, and that's how you did it?".

"There wasn't another way Trace" Andy tried to defend her behavior, but Traci wasn't buying it.

"No, uh-hu" she said shaking her head. "You're going home right now, and you're gonna say you're sorry, and that you didn't mean it. Why didn't you just stay?".

"I have no idea. It was stupid wasn't it?".

Suddenly Andy felt like a complete moron, she was trying to show Sam that she was ready for more, the whole settling down thing, and the everything that came with it. That she was done running and ready for the commitment phase of life- and she left to tell him that? Alone?

And if this backfired she knew that it would be over- permanently.

No do overs, no going back. No undoing anything.

What had she done?

"I've gotta go" she stammered out before racing away from Traci and heading in the direction of home.

Hopefully it wasn't too late.

********Thanks for reading! **

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**Have an awesome day! **

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	19. This For That

**As always thanks for all the awesome reviews & follows! Thanks as always to the regulars & kelly2727!**

**Welcome to the newbies!**

**Chapter 19-This For That. **

Andy let herself in quietly not sure if Sam was up yet or not. She always left the key under the deck light, hanging on a screw that stuck out, so that she wouldn't loose it during her run, so getting inside was the easy part, what she was going to find- well that was the part that unsettled her marginally.

Sam looked up from in the kitchen when she made her way in through the front door, his smile warming the room as he raised an eyebrow in question to her return so quickly.

She had still been running, he could tell by the red flush that had spread up her neck and the panting breaths that she was taking.

"You're back?" Sam said retrieving a bottle of water out the fridge for Andy and holding it out towards her.

"Um, yeah, Trace...". She just left it hanging.

"Okay, so..." And so did Sam.

Andy smiled in appreciation as she took the water, screwed off the cap and downed half the bottle in one long, thirsty sip.

"So what do you want to do today?" Andy said when she dropped the bottle from her lips.

It was saturday and they were having a bbq, but that was only at three pm, it was now only seven-thirty, so they had the whole day to kill.

Andy was looking for signs that Sam had seen her gift and that he either loved it, or hated it; but she had yet to see any sign that he was even aware of the envelope.

"Well it is my birthday, so that means I get to chose right?" Sam sounded so teasing that Andy automatically blushed then nodded.

"So I get to do anything I want too?" He asked stepping closer.

Andy nodded slightly again, her imagination running wild.

"So we can go anywhere? Do whatever I want to do?".

"Yeah, pretty much" Andy said hoping that by talking he'd say something more than ask her the same question again.

"Okay, so how about we cash in on this?" Sam asked holding out a small piece of folded paper and waving it around under Andy's nose.

She tried to snatch it away, but his reactions were much quicker than hers and she was left grabbing the air.

"This?".

"Uh-hu, but we, um, we don't have too?".

Sam's tone had Andy a little worried as he suddenly let untold nervousness show. It wasn't a side she was used to seeing- he was usually so assertive and sure.

She looked down to Sam's hand to see the paper was still folded, but it had been unfolded and re-folded a few times causing uneven creases in the paper.

"Sam?"

Andy could see the sudden doubt filling Sam's eyes as she watched him while setting her bottle of water down.

This wasn't a good sign.

"Yeah, about this..." Sam's free hand moved up to scratch the back of his head before it moved down to the kitchen drawer in front of him. He pulled the drawer open, lifted Andy's big brown envelope out and set it down on the counter top to the side of them.

"It goes with this" Sam added as he saw Andy's eyes bulge at the sight of her gift to him suddenly there.

He had been staring at it again when he heard her slip the key into the lock, so he put it in the drawer and hid it from sight just to see if she was looking for a chance to back out of her decision.

"This is the best thing anyone's ever given me, but it's a little flawed". Sam cringed when he said the last word, but there wasn't another way to say it.

It really was flawed.

"Flawed" Andy repeated the word softly, like she couldn't believe that he actually said that.

"Yeah, totally. There's a huge spelling error on here, so it's kind of void but I fixed it".

Sam saw the relief sweep over her features as he pushed the envelope across the counter top and closer to her.

Without having to wait, Sam watched Andy reach out and grab the envelope before she slid the paper out of it and scanned the page.

After looking at the page, and gliding her eyes over it, she looked at Sam and then back at the paper.

Sam had taken a black pen to her most treasure possession and made quite a few alterations too the page.

Everytime the word _McNally_ appeared he had draw a single black line through it in pen and written _Swarek_ next to it, or above it, or below it; wherever he found a space to write it he had.

Andy was hiding behind the page now, her eyes trying to make sense of what Sam had done, but it just wasn't clicking.

For the first time in her life, Andy had hit a total blank.

"Sam, you um,...". She was staring at him now, all wide-eyed and confused and just looking breathtaking.

"Yeah, that doesn't work for me, so that, goes with this" Sam said holding out the small piece of folded paper, but this time letting her take it once she put her paper down.

Andy unfolded the paper carefully, not wanting to rip it.

When it was unfolded, she turned it around and took a step back.

She didn't look up, she didn't say anything, didn't make a sound, just kept staring at the paper.

When she looked up at Sam, after making him feel like an eternity had passed, he saw her waging a war with herself about what to say.

But it wasn't a hard question, the answer was simple; yes or no.

"Sam you don't have to do this" Andy mumbled and looked away, then looked down, then looked up and too the side.

She was looking everywhere but at him right now.

"And if I want too?".

That kind of threw her for a loop.

"Andy, I've been waiting to do this forever, and I'm only doing it now because I know you won't run, I know you won't say no, I know you're ready. This proves that" Sam picked up the discarded adoption agency paper and held it up, Andy peeking over the top of the marriage licence she was holding. "It changes everything" Sam added.

"How Sam?".

"This is us, this is what I want and it means that there won't ever be a way out, or a way too let go, because of this, I won't let you go ever".

If Sam had been expecting Andy to take that well, he was sadly mistaken.

She took it better than well when she smiled a fraction and dropped her head to the side as she tried to view him from a different angle.

"But what does this have to do with how you spend your birthday?" Andy said shifting the conversation back to her original question.

"We'll if you're not too busy today, I thought we'd get a new one of those" Sam said pointing to the marriage licence, that well frankly was tattered, "And then maybe we'd get a new one of these" Sam said waving the adoption papers around, "And maybe you can try this on?" Sam said producing a small black box.

Andy would never be able to tell you where the box had materialized from, one second Sam's hand was empty, the next he was holding the box out to her in his hand.

Andy looked like she was having trouble breathing, her lip turning a light shade of blue as she bit into it.

Sam waited with bated breath for Andy to do something, or say something but she just stood there staring at his hand.

Andy tried to put a label on to the sudden rush that pulled through her, but she couldn't.

It was... It felt like...

Sam moved and bent down a little to get a better look at her face while she kept staring at his hand unable to tear her eyes away from it.

When she suddenly lunged at Sam, it was unexpected.

She crashed into him with brutal force but it felt good, it felt right.

Andy still hadn't said anything and he needed some reassurance, some kind of verbal confirmation that this was real, that he had a yes.

She had her head tucked away in the crook of his neck, her breath flowing out over his skin, as he asked her the one thing he was dying too know "Is this a yes, or a no?".

Andy pulled away then, putting Sam at arms length as she looked at him. He could tell that she was carefully thinking over her words, something that was new.

"Sam, we don't have too take that step yet- it's a big step and I get it if you want too wait, I mean, I don't mind".

Sam's eyes took in her nervous rambling, his mind trying to make itself up as to whether or not she was saying no, or if she was looking for a way out.

"I want too, but if you need time?"

Andy was suddenly shaking her head from side to side. "I don't do time and space Swarek, last time we tried that I don't think it worked out well for either of us".

"So, say yes? I promised that I'd do what it took to get the yes, now I'm asking for it".

Andy suddenly looked like she was about to be overcome with tears as she pursed her lips together at hearing Sam's honesty.

Over the years he had done everything he had said he would, he had kept every promise he had made her, and even made good on the broken ones from their past.

Now he was putting their lives into a place that there would be no going back from, a place that had forevers and plenty of tomorrows.

Sam nodded towards her, still waiting for an answer, and all Andy had to give was one word, a simple yes that would bind the rest of their lives together.

******thanks for reading! Let me know if you're still here?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	20. Coming Undone

**As always you guys are the best! Thank you!**

**Thanks to kelly2727 & the regulars & welcome to all the new name I see popping up!**

**Chapter 20- Coming Undone. **

That day, Andy gave Sam a yes, and didn't regret doing it.

Sam true to his word, had dragged Andy out of the house shortly afterwards and taken her to get a new marriage licence. The following monday he would casually drive them straight to the adoption agency and refile their paperwork.

Over the months that passed thereafter they had planned their wedding and finally tied the knot with a small ceremony. They had decided to wait until after they had been married a while before applying to adopt. It was Sam's way of letting Andy have her time before they added to their family.

They'd been married for seven months when Andy went out on patrol and called Sam from St Mary's hospital just after lunch time.

She was crying and mumbling so badly that Sam hardly understood what she was saying.

Collins then took Andy's phone and told Sam that they had responded to a really bad call, a strung out pregnant junkie had put a gun to her head in front of them when she felt cornered and pulled the trigger. She was heavily pregnant at the time and Andy had done her best to keep the woman alive long enough for the medics to arrive.

Andy had succeeded in keeping up CPR until they had arrived, the medics bagged the woman and took her away Andy staring after the ambulance at a loss for words.

Nick had put her in a squad car and followed knowing that in one way he was making the right decision, in another he was doing the wrong thing.

When they arrived at the hospital the nurse had told them that the woman was taken into theatre and that they were trying to save the baby but the chances of it surviving were slim to none.

Half an hour later a doctor had come to tell them that the woman obviously hadn't made it, but the baby had. She was premature and addicted to various drugs, the ones her mother had forced her to consume when she took them. The doctor had told them that he wasn't going to fight for the baby's life, and Andy had totally freaked out and just started screaming at him.

Nick dragged her away and found them a quiet corner where she called Sam.

After Nick had explained the situation, Sam had said that he'd be there in a few.

He found a very upset Andy pacing the hallway when he arrived. She had calmed down, but he could still see her anxiousness.

"It's just a baby Sam" She had cried into his shoulder when he hugged her closer.

He understood how she felt, the one thing that they could never have was the one thing that a junkie threw away, while a doctor didn't think it was worth saving.

"I know, but Andy you have to see his point. The baby was born addicted to drugs, it was born premature and most likely with Aids. There is no hope for that baby, and the amount of suffering it's going to go through isn't worth it. It isn't worth inflicting that amount of pain on something that didn't ask to be here".

Sam could hear the slight traces of his own anger flashing in his tone, he just couldn't help it.

"I understand that Sam I really do, but he took an oath to save lives and he just needs to do that. She didn't ask to be here, she didn't ask to have her mother pump her full of drugs, but she's here now and he needs to do something to help her".

Andy was crying again, Sam's heart breaking for her. He'd always been afraid that she would get a call involving a child and it would ultimately be what tore them apart.

He feared that once she saw what she was missing, she'd leave and never look back.

"Let's go see the doctor?" Sam said wondering if he was about to make a mistake.

Andy dried her tears and nodded, her hand seeking his out before leading him towards the Neonatal ICU.

They found the doctor in the hallway and he seemed surprised to see Andy but looked like he was expecting her to freak out again.

Sam introduced them when they stood in front of the doctor, his face showing some relief when he noted that the crazy cop had calmed down.

"Is she still...?" Andy asked, the doctor nodding but just barely.

"I'm sorry there is nothing more I can do. Her heart and lungs are underdeveloped and due to the large amounts of drugs still in her system I doubt that she will ever have full brain fucionality. She has Aids and she's about twelve weeks premature, so there really isn't much more that we can do".

Sam could tell that the doctor was finding this hard, that it wasn't easy to deal with.

"Can she see her?" Sam suddenly asked, Andy's head snapping up to seek out his face.

The doctor gave Sam's question consideration before nodding and pointing out to the nurses station. "I'll let them know, you'll need to scrub in and remove your radio, cell phone and um weapon".

Andy nodded and started removing the items as soon as her hand was out of Sam's.

She handed him the discarded items and headed for the nurses station, Sam getting his phone out to call Collins who they left in the waiting room.

He came up as asked and took Andy's radio and gun before leaving Sam to return them to the barn.

Andy followed the nurse dressed in her gloves and gown after scrubbing in as instructed.

They passed rooms that held emptiness and others that held tiny treasures.

When they stopped in front of a door Andy was suddenly nervous, and she had no idea why.

The nurse let them in, Andy's eyes falling straight on to the tiny bundle that lay resting in the crib. She had so many wires and tubes attached to her tiny body that Andy was shocked.

And she was tiny, her head would fit in Andy's hand and her feet didn't even meet the halfway mark in the crib.

"You can pick her up if you like" the nurse smiled. She really was the mother kind and had chosen her career well.

The nurse nodded to the chair next to the crib and Andy sat down while watching the nurse shift the tubing around before she hoisted the baby up and handed her to Andy.

Andy was marveled by how something so small and so precious could be so beautiful. Her skin was the fairest that Andy had ever seen, and her mop of jet black hair was unbelievable.

As soon as Andy took hold of the baby, the machine monitoring her heartbeat gave a small alarm, the nurse focusing on the machine before turning back to Andy. It also made the doctor appear in the doorway with another nurse.

Andy looked up to see a range of emotion playing out on the doctors face, the baby was giving up and starting to loose her will to survive at a few hours old.

Andy held her a little closer to her chest, her fingers clutching the baby's hand between two fingers.

The heart monitor gave another short scream before calming down, this time the doctor coming closer and stopping in front of Andy.

"Officer, maybe you should...". He didn't say any more than that, he knew that he didn't need too.

Andy shook her head when she looked up at him, her eyes glassy and leaking.

"She won't die alone" Andy told him before looking back down at the baby.

She wasn't about to leave.

A nurse came to call Sam, sudden fear running through him as he stood up out the chair and followed her into the ICU. He sprayed his hand off with the disinfectant once inside and then set out down the hall lined with doors.

The nurse stopped outside a door and looked inside, Sam feeling like he was ready to crumble.

Andy was sitting in a chair staring down at a pink blanket that she clutched tightly in her hands, her face freshly streaked with devastation.

She was with the baby when it died.

Sam stepped closer, Andy's quiet sobs the only sounds that could be heard in the room.

Bending down in front of her, Sam knelt down and put his hands over hers before she looked up and shook her head.

"I know Sweetheart" Sam said as he gently tugged on the blanket and freed it from her hands.

She was staring at her hands, telling him that she had been holding the baby when she left this world. He had no idea how his Andy had turned into one of the strongest people he knew. She was strong enough to stay with the baby while she took her last few breaths because she didn't want her to be alone.

When Andy looked up, her eyes were sparkly but they had changed. Something inside her had changed.

Something inside of her had gone, something had left her and it made those raging fires in her eyes fade away to flickering embers.

"Let's go home" Sam said pulling Andy up before guiding her out the door and taking her home.

He called Frank while she was in the shower and asked him to give her a few days off. Frank agreed and told Sam to let him know if they needed anything.

Sam found Andy crying in the shower when he went looking for her after she had been missing for a while.

He turned off the taps, wrapped a towel around her and walked her over to the bed.

It didn't take long for her to fall asleep wrapped up in the towel, the day had drained her completely.

Sam draped a blanket over her and went to start on something to eat for when she woke up.

Two hours later she appeared in the door of the lounge looking even worse than she had when they got home. She was pale and her eyes red, but she'd be okay.

She had to be okay.

When he offered her coffee she declined stating that she didn't feel too great, so Sam didn't push. If she didn't want coffee she wasn't going to eat.

She joined him on the couch and lay down with her head in his lap, his hands playing with her hair as they watched TV lost in their own thoughts.

After a while Andy got up and left the room, Sam found her huddled over the toilet throwing up.

All the stress of the day and the shock had finally taken its toll on her and made her sick.

Sam held her hair back, and rubbed her back. He let her go when she stood up and went to brush her teeth and wash her hands and face.

She was staring at him in the mirror, her eyes wearing the same look that they had been in the hospital. She was holding something back, so Sam took a step closer and opened them to having a talk by asking "You okay?".

When Andy turned to face him he felt like his heart was being ripped out when her words drifted out on an empty tone "I've changed my mind, I don't want kids Sam".

Sam felt like everything just stopped. His heart, his breathing. Everything turned to stone.

"You don't mean that".

"Yes I do. After today I don't want to adopt, I don't want kids Sam".

Her voice sounded so cold that it made Sam shiver.

"Andy, don't..."

"Sam don't okay. I won't ever change my mind so just accept that it's not happening" Andy's voice rose a bit, telling Sam to back off.

He was in total shock, he had no idea what to do or say to make it better.

But how do you make something like this better?

Andy went back to bed after leaving the bathroom, she pulled away later that night when Sam got into bed so he got up, took a pillow and went to crash on the couch.

He didn't want to crowd her so he let her have her space.

The next morning he heard Andy shuffling around and got up. She passed him without saying a word. She still didn't look that great so he made her coffee and toast before taking it into the bedroom.

He found nausea medication next to the bed, it clued him in to the fact that she was still sick.

Andy was still laying down, her face hidden under the covers.

"You okay?" Sam asked as he set her coffee and toast down.

"Fine".

She was still cold and distant.

"Stay in bed, I'll get you something from the pharmacy".

"I'm fine"

"Okaaayyy" Sam dragged the word out and backed away. He really wasn't in the mood to get into an argument.

He took a shower and got dressed, Andy had fallen asleep again so he left her to sleep after kissing her forehead.

He had a huge caseload so he planned on going in for a while, he'd come home as soon as he could and then maybe Andy would have cooled off by then.

He hoped so because it was killing him that they were suddenly so far apart. They'd never even had an argument, or spent a night not sleeping next to each other.

She had him worried, but he knew that given a little time she'd bounce back.

She had too.

******Thanks for reading! So let me know what you think about my incredibly sad chapter...?**

**Have an awesome day!**

**Jelly Bean Jenna©**


	21. Worth It

**Hello again, thank you all for the awesome reviews! **

**As always thank you to kelly2727 & the regulars, if you're new welcome to my world!**

**Chapter 21- Worth It. **

Over the next few days Andy stayed sick, Sam beginning to really worry. Her stubborn streak stopped him from taking her to the doctor, she just spent most of her time either huddled over the toilet or in bed.

Her mood still lingered in shallows as she held on to the darkness that seemed to have consumed her in its clutches.

Andy was withdrawn too, her bubbly personality gone. They were taking severe strain, and there wasn't much Sam could do because he didn't want to cause more distress.

He had also avoided the subject of kids, even though he was desperate to talk to Andy about her sudden change of heart.

By the forth day Sam was done watching her suffer, so he called Nash and asked her to come over and talk to Andy or drag her to the doctor.

After Nash had been in his bedroom for twenty minutes the door opened and Andy came out with Nash, a satisfied smile on her face. Andy was going with her much to Sam's relief.

He had tried several times to get Andy to let him take her to the doctor but every time it ended up with them getting in to an argument.

He was still sleeping on the couch.

He waited for hours for Andy to come home, his nerves a little unsettled.

If it was serious Nash would call so he waited patiently.

When Andy came home, she was alone.

She hovered in the doorway when she let herself in and Sam stood up off the couch.

She looked upset, rather than sick now and that made Sam worry even more.

She dropped her head and crossed the lounge without saying anything, Sam following her to the bedroom.

Sam stopped when Andy turned around to look at him. She looked so sad that it made his insides quiver.

"Andy..."

"I'm sorry"

They spoke at the same time, both voices really soft.

"Hey, I get it. It was tough and you did something so beautiful but it hurt" Sam moved closer. He really did understand how she felt, like a life was waisted when there were so many opportunities out there.

"It's just hard Sam. She threw her own life away and destroyed her child's before it even had a chance".

Sam wrapped her up in a hug, this time she was willing to let him closer after having kept him at arms length over the last few days.

"It wasn't your fault Andy, you didn't make her do that".

"I feel like I did Sam, because I had my gun pointed at her it was like I forced her to make that decision".

"Andy don't do this to yourself. She was probably crashing and wasn't thinking straight. She didn't deserve to get what she got, but it it's not your fault".

"You're right, but I keep seeing that baby Sam, hearing the machines go haywire before it was so quiet"

Andy was crying again, but Sam let her. She needed to get it out before it ate her up anymore.

After a while Sam let her go and looked her up and down. "What did the doctor say?".

He noticed that she wasn't carrying a bag from the pharmacy so he hoped that she wasn't home to pack a bag before having to be admitted as a patient.

The look of terror crossed Andy's face when Sam asked that, her eyes widening just a little before her head dropped.

"Andy?".

"If I tell you Sam you have to swear that you won't freak out. You have to promise me that you won't think what you're going to think?".

Andy withdrew into her shell as she stepped back and looked up to face Sam as she remembered what she had said to Traci.

_'He's going to think I'm having an affair'. _

Of course Traci had assured her that it was the last thing that Sam would ever think when it came to her, but she didn't agree. How else was she going to explain this? There was no other explanation.

"Andy..." Sam's voice had a sharp edge to it, almost like a warning. He needed to know that she was okay, and going to be fine, and just by her saying what she had said he was starting to feel that she might not be.

"Sam I swear that no-one else has touched me, I just can't explain it. I know maybe skipping the birthcontrol wasn't the most intelligent thing to do, but what was the point? I mean think about it, the doctors said there was no way right, but...". Andy paused at looked at Sam midway through her ramble. His face was creased, he wasn't getting what she was saying.

"Sam I'm pregnant"

He didn't move, he didn't even blink; he just kept staring at her blankly like she'd punched him in the gut.

"Sam?". After minutes of silence she called his name, barely loud enough for herself to hear.

He didn't respond, just kept staring at her.

See, this was what she was afraid of, that he'd think she was sleeping with someone else and hadn't been careful enough.

"Sam!". This time his name come out louder, pulling Sam from his shocked state.

"I'm sorry, say that again?". He could have sworn that he had heard her say something that sounded like _'I'm pregnant'_.

"You heard what I said".

Sam nodded, he thought that was what he had heard.

"They're sure?". His throat and mouth were so dry, his tongue was having trouble formulating his words; it felt thick and heavy as it tried too pronounciate.

"Yup".

Andy shoved her hands into her back pockets and looked around the room waiting for the crap to hit the fan, for Sam to freak out and totally loose his self control. That would start with the accusations that weren't true, then the fighting would start and they'd just become other people. That's how she remembered it happening between her parents, so it would probably play out along the same lines.

Sam had never been totally lost. Not like this.

Not the first time he kissed Andy, or when Jerry died. Not when she moved in or when he asked her to marry him. None of the things he'd ever experienced came close to this.

It was hard to explain.

He reran Andy's words over and over in his mind _'Sam I swear that no-one else has touched me, I just can't explain it'. _

They crushed him in a way because he knew it was the truth, but she felt the need to say them anyway, like she figured that his mind would automatically think that she was having an affair.

"We're having a baby?" Sam finally said after clearing his throat and collecting himself. His voice sounded so strong and so certain; he just hoped that Andy understood it.

She whipped her head up and stared at him as tough his reaction was unexpected.

"We're having a baby" Sam repeated, this time his tone softer.

Andy nodded, but didn't move. She still looked like she was having a hard time coming to terms with it, and his reaction.

Sam stepped closer his face breaking out into a huge smile as he looked at her.

But it didn't hold there when he let lurid thoughts take charge. What if Andy wasn't happy about it?

"Are you... Um?" He just couldn't bring himself to ask her. If she said no, it would totally destroy him.

Sam pinched his eyes closed and took in a long unsteady breath before opening his eyes and looking at her. Really looking at her.

"Are you okay with this?" He finally managed to ask.

"Okay? Sam I don't even know what I am right now. I'm fine, but I'm scared. I can't stop thinking about how wrong this can go, and how many ways I can screw it up. Then I keep thinking about you and how you're going to deal with this. If you're going to be okay with it".

"Okay with it? Andy you've just rendered me completely stupid" Sam knew that those words weren't exactly fitting, but she had.

"I never ever considered how I'd feel hearing those words because I thought I was never going to hear them. I was happy when you gave me the adoption papers, but this...this is euphoric".

"You're happy?".

Arg, why didn't she understand? Yes she had her reservations and hesitation, but did she really think he wouldn't be happy about getting the one thing he wanted so badly, the one thing he'd had taken away before he even knew it?

"Nothing that you've ever said or ever will say will make me happier than those two words. I know that it's mine, because you're not like that, and I know you're scared but you couldn't screw this up if you tried".

Andy was on the verge of tears again, they just wouldn't stop. She was a complete mess.

Taking her hand in his, Sam brought it up to his lips and kissed it. It was something he'd never done, but this moment deserved something just for it.

"How do I say thank you for the one thing that I wouldn't want with anyone but you?" Sam whispered causing Andy's tears to spill over.

She launched herself at him, her arms wrapping around him as she finally understood just how happy he was.

"What about the adoption?" Andy said pulling away. They'd submitted their on hold application a week ago, they were finally up to taking that step.

"I have no idea, but more than one sounds pretty good" Sam showed his dimples just to make sure that she knew that he was serious. He really meant it. "If you still want too?".

Andy was unsure about how to answer. Motherhood was scary even if it was still so far away.

But she had her heart set on doing one good thing in this lifetime, and that was what she wanted to do with her possibly one choice.

"The older kids usually don't find homes, we can always consider that".

"How old where you when you were placed?" Andy knew that Sam went into foster care after his dad went to jail and his mother died but he didn't share the details, didn't like to talk about it.

"Six at the care centre, and um, ten when we were finally placed in a home".

It shocked Andy. He was ten before he knew what a loving home was? That made Sarah fourteen.

"Okay" Andy said, simple and straight to the point.

They might. Only get one shot to adopt, and one shot at having a child of their own, but that was two lives that would change because they would be in a house filled with love from the moment they arrived.

"Okay? You still want to go through with the adoption?".

"Well yeah. I mean we decided a long time ago so... I want to do this Sam, make one life different".

"More than one life McNally" Sam said with a chuckle.

Andy's brow furrowed, so he added "I was the first".

Andy punched Sam playfully before letting out a light giggle.

"We're really gonna do this?" Andy seemed to find every reservation that she'd had slipping away. They had been born mostly out of the fact that she had held on to the baby in the hospital as it took its last breaths and she was terrified that one day she might face doing it again with the child they adopted. Finding out that she was pregnant, that was a shock but deep down she was really happy. More than over the moon.

"Yup" Sam said smiling. "Wouldn't have it any other way".

That night Andy had sweet dreams of a little girl that looked just like Sam running around in the back yard, an older little boy with sandy brown hair chasing her as she giggled and ran.

It was perfect, the images were exactly what she wanted. How she wanted it to be.

The next morning when she woke, Sam's smiling face coming in to view she knew that her dreams would come true.

They'd adopt a little boy and have a little girl of their own. Sam would love them equally and so would she. Sam would never chose one above the other, and would spoil them rotten.

The more she looked at Sam that morning, the more life made sense.

All the rough times they had been through were preparing them for this, getting them ready to make these choices.

And no matter how tough things had been, how skew the world and their lives had seemed, it was worth it.

It made this, and the rest of their lives worth every minute of their pasts.

The End.


End file.
